Raising Your Offspring; Why I’m The Only Expert You Should Listen To

It’s the age of information and as such, there is a ton of parenting advice on this interwebs thing. While it may seem like a good idea to follow all of these recommendations, let me be the first to say:

Don’t do it.           

Don’t take parenting advice from strangers online! You don’t know where they’ve been or what their real agenda is. They could be secret agents out to create the next super villain and your kid could be their unwitting puppet.

I know what you are thinking. “But Azra, You’re a stranger and you’re online. Why should we listen to you?”

I’ll tell you why, newbie parent.

Parental units don’t need new and improved ways of raising their little tyrants. They need the tried and true methods of the past to ensure their offspring are the winners of the game called life (not that board game where everyone gets a car— the bigger, higher stakes extravaganza where losing means dying— game).

I am one of the few creatures on earth that can give not only a historically accurate advice on the matter of raising mini humans, but also a completely objective view. I say objective for a couple of reasons:

1.       I am not, in fact, a human. I’m an angel— a Grigori to be more specific. One of the many reasons I was created was to help humans. While child rearing was not my original forte, I consider my time on earth watching the generations of man slip by a more than good enough resume.

2.       I do not, nor have I ever, had any kids. Besides the whole “angels don’t have kids” theory (which is a complete lie!), I just never found that certain someone to have my mixed DNA clone with. This ensures that I am not biased because of how I may have raised any offspring.

3.       I did have a hand in making sure my nephew, Ryan, grew up. He’s not human either, but that does give me more of an advantage since we had to pretend that we were. Because we were always on the move, I never committed to any one parenting style, choosing instead to remain fluid and flexible.

The sole purpose of me standing on this interwebs soapbox is to help you silly humans guarantee the future of your entire race and that it isn’t completely ruined by some online hack.

Also, I have a bet going with Ryan.

So what do you say? Shall we explore the wonderful world of parenting together?

Looking forward to lecturing you,


* Disclaimer* Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the globe, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note* Any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*