Controlling Your Child Part 3: Using Hollywood to Terrify Your Spawn

The key to being a success at parenting is knowing how to control your offspring. There are several effective methods of control and we will, over time, explore many of those throughout this blog series.

Today we are exploring the possibilities of controlling your offspring through fear. Not just any old fear. Genuinely manufactured Hollywood fear. While there is a lot to be said for being the reason your kid wets the bed, it is so much more intelligent to let Hollywood provide the scary monster. Why? It’s simple, if you are the terrifying factor, then you won’t get your offspring to do anything but stand there trembling in fright. However, if something else is the fear-provoking element, then you would wield the ability to use that element for your advantage.

Let’s use the recent remake of the classic IT as an example. The invention of Pennywise is absolutely genius! With just a bit of stage make up, a red balloon and a decent sewer system, you can set up a never ending scare-fest for your little pants wetter. The mere threat of a clown appearance will be enough to ensure your offspring is the picture of perfect kid behavior.

In order to make this process the most effective, you need to do a bit of research on the latest Hollywood monster craze. You also need to make sure you know your spawn’s deepest darkest fears. The obvious way to do that is to force them to watch every horror film ever created. Something is bound to scare them. The best way to make sure is to expose them to such carefully crafted tales is to make them watch while they are young.

As soon as you know what will induce their nightmares, then it is a simple process of subtly insinuating that object of fear into your child’s everyday life. Again with the IT example; leave random red balloons in your spawn’s bedroom. Stick a pair of battery operated yellow eyes into the air vents. Have a recorded clown voice evilly laughing play whenever your child is in the shower. When the kid cries about it, then all you have to do is tell them they are silly. Tell them they are imagining it, but also allude to the fact that if their behavior wasn’t so wretched, then their imagination wouldn’t be taking them down such a dark path. That’s right. Tell them they are crazy, but they are at the same time responsible for their hallucinations that aren’t really hallucinations. It’s a clever plan that will yield amazing results.

Scare their pants off!


***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*