Bedtime: Sleep Is For The Weak

A lot of parenting experts will tell you that it is important to get your little terror on a steady sleep schedule.

It’s a load of hogwash.

A kid’s worst enemy is sleep. Sleeping is an addiction that should be broken at an early age, otherwise it will suck hours away from its victim every night. Kids understand this and they fight against sleep with everything they have. Don’t believe me? Watch how they act around “nap time” or “bedtime”. They cry, they bargain, they pretend they have the smallest bladders in the universe, they rebel, they throw fits, and, when all else fails, they create elaborate stories about boogeymen and nightmares.

To trick their little monsters into succumbing to the addiction of sleep, I’ve heard of parents doing insane bedtime rituals that include storytelling and warm milk. In return, their little pipsqueak stalls and fights the coming unconsciousness. But they are small humans and weak, so they succumb eventually.

Are you proud of yourself, parents? Huh? Are you? Bullying defenseless children into sleeping. You should be ashamed!

So, how can you help your child defeat the enemy known as sleep? It’s simple. Let them stay up. When they exhaust themselves and are on the brink of sleep, wake them up and keep them awake. Some methods:

1.       Caffeine. We’re talking black coffee, certain teas, soda (see the previous post about nutrition), some energy drinks, even pills! The benefit is that caffeine is super easily accessible. The down side is that humans tend to build up a tolerance so that each time, it will take more and more caffeine to work.

2.       Loud noises. This works if it’s been quiet for a long time and if your little terror is on the brink of falling asleep. Just as their eyes start to close, BAM! Hit that cymbal! Bang on those drums! Get your inner 80’s hair metal band on.

3.       Movement. Sleep is more likely to attack if your rugrat is sitting still. Get them up and moving as much as possible. Utilize their own natural energy! Hook them up to a treadmill or stationary bike that is attached to a generator. Cut down on your electricity bill while saving your child from the grips of sleep.

There are more ways to keep your kid awake, but it depends on the type of child you have. The three above are the most customizable options at your disposal.

Until next time, keep fighting the good fight and say no to bedtime!


***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*