Age Isn’t Everything: How Annual Survival Parties Harm Your Offspring

I’ve noticed that humans have a tendency to make a big deal about their spawn surviving another year. Like clockwork, parents will gather everyone they know in either someone’s home or at that strange pizza restaurant with an arcade and animatronic rats or bears or whatever. A curious ritual then takes place. All of these people share a meal of cardboard-like pizza before sacrificing a cake by lighting it on fire. After that, the celebrant in question opens presents, or what I call survival bribes, while everyone watches and takes pictures.

Now, all of this is fine and dandy. Every species has their own habits and rituals. The part that confuses me though is this: after a certain number of revolutions around the sun, humans stop making a big deal about surviving. For all the attention they once gave to getting older, they suddenly pretend they aren’t. In fact, they will actively begin trying NOT to age.

It’s a conundrum I just can’t wrap my head around.

What does this have to do with your ankle biter?  Well? In the interest of not having them go through a vicious mid-life crisis when they’ve hit the point of age denial, I propose something both obvious and radical.

Stop. Celebrating. Birthdays. Better yet, stop acknowledging age in number of years. If that happens, then you humans wouldn’t be so damn preoccupied with how long you’ve been on the earth and how to look nothing like your years.

As an added bonus, think of all the hours you’d get back by not hanging out in mouse-infested pizza joints that are lousy with slot machines geared to kids.

But keep the cake part. The cake part is good.

A very merry un-birthday,


***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*