Never Lose Your Offspring; Microchip Your Little Monster

For as long as humans have been having children, they have been losing them. It’s quite sad really. The scenarios change depending on the situation. The kid runs away, the parents run away, or something equally tragic. You humans are the worst at keeping track of your offspring. They could be getting into trouble, or dead in a ditch somewhere, or eating something they shouldn’t. What if they are in mortal danger with some rabid snail about to devour their pinkie toe? You just don’t know.

The killer part of this whole thing is that the answer is so obvious, so blatantly clear! Microchip your monster!

You’ve probably already done this process to a family pet.

Let me stop right there to point out how messed up that is for a moment. You are more concerned with the whereabouts and safety of your animals than that of your own spawn. For shame.

For those not in the know, microchipping is the process where a small microchip is inserted into the neck of the victim. This microchip contains important contact information such as parental units phone numbers, address, known allergies, and, depending on how much space the microchip has, a detailed log of their diet and bodily rhythms. For an additional fee, you could even get GPS tracking along with the microchip so you can monitor your ankle biter from your new smart phone. Can’t even begin to tell you how useful this will be when your monster is a teenager.

Humans have made great strides in this technology. It’s time to use it and time to stop misplacing your spawn.

Be the wave of the future,


***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*