Ask Azra: Evening the Odds for Procreation; Destroying the Perfect Man

Dear Azra,

I have a problem. I think my boyfriend is about to propose to me. Don’t get me wrong, he’s the sweetest guy. I don’t ever want to hurt him because he’s just so good to me. But I think that’s why the thought of marrying him fills me with dread. He’s too good and I’m just unhappy. I wasn’t expecting to build a life with him. He was supposed to be a fun fling before I went off and officially started my life. This pressure for commitment is just too much. I have to break up with him before he actually proposes. How can I do that without hurting him too badly?

Thanks for the help,

Regretting This Relationship


Dear Regret,

What you are describing is something many of your kind have experienced. While you are primarily concerned with how you need to deal with this problem of having such a good mate, you must remember that this discontent and what you do with it will help save your very civilization.

You see, guys like that, the ones that are too good to women and who provide healthy and loving relationships are horrible. They completely ruin it for all the rest of the guys out there. This has a trickle-down effect where an increasing amount of women refuse to settle for the available guys and start searching for that “perfect guy.” This has a direct negative impact on procreation levels which will, eventually, make the human race endangered.

It’s up to you and women like you to help us guys even the odds and to make sure the human race survives.

First, you need to come to terms that you will not extricate yourself from this scenario without hurting the guy that is so good to you. No, if you are going to fulfill your destiny as the savior of mankind, you have to utterly destroy him. Rip out his heart and spit on it and all of the emotional support he gives you. Take all of the romantic gestures and build a bonfire of them and dance around it as he looks on with tears in his eyes. Eviscerate whatever connection there is between you, and make him suffer. It is the only way to make him one of the other guys. You must eradicate his ability to love. You must kill his emotion.

It is the only way to save the human race.

 Fight the Good Fight,


***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.