Ask Azra: How to Stick to New Year’s Resolutions

Dear Azra,

This is definitely going to be my year. I’ve got a ton of resolutions to transform me into the best version of myself possible. It’s quite a lot on my to-do list. Do you have any advice on how to best stick with all of these grand plans and not backslide into my old 2018 self?

Happy New Year!

New Year, New Me


Dear New You,

                What is it with this time of year that makes humans go absolutely batty for self-improvement? Is it the cold? I bet it’s the cold. You all know that this is an arbitrary thing, the concept of New Years, right? You clods created the calendar. Heck, do you know how many calendars before this one there were? Lots. This obsession with time and changing years is one that frankly boggles my mind.

However, the other part of your question I can help with. You need to stick to the habits you have decided to take on, right? Well that’s easy. All you have to do is hold yourself to the highest standards you can think of. I don’t mean one or two. No, if you are going to do this, go for the whole enchilada. List out everything that is wrong with you and your life and dedicate the next year to upgrading all of it. Really become the best version of yourself right now.

If you don’t make your goal, what will happen? The worst. Studies have shown that the best way to set new habits is to introduce discipline as a result for failure. I don’t mean self-discipline either. That never works. I’m talking about actual sudden and brutal discipline. After all, the best way to make better choices are substantial negative consequences.

To do this, decide what the absolute worst punishment you can imagine would be. It’s the thing that would literally drive you mad if you were to have it happen to you. The harsher the better. 

Next, hire a person to execute said punishment if you are deviating from your goals. This person should ideally be a stranger, someone that doesn’t know you and would have no problem administering the torture that’s sure to head your way. They should have access to you at all hours of the day. Honestly, this should be easy given today’s technological advances. Punishment should be swift and in real time, so you don’t continue to make the mistake in error.

If you do this right, then six months into your goal you will either be absolutely insane with terror and paranoia from random punishments or you will be on track to truly being the best version of yourself possible. Really, it’s your choice which path to take. Remember, that which does not kill you makes you still alive.

Keeping Resolutions Real,


***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.