Controlling Your Child Part 1: Voodoo, Witch Doctors & Their Place In Parenting

The key to being a success at parenting is knowing how to control your offspring. There are several effective methods of control and we will, over time, explore many of those throughout this blog series.

Right now, though, we are here to discuss the benefits of a little something I like to call Voodoo and the Witch doctors that practice it. Voodoo is a real, viable manner in which to control your little monster. One of their hallmark moves is mind control so that the controlled person is more or less a zombie bending to your will.

Now, angels have the ability to do this already (what, do you think they can possess humans only if they are demons? Please. Demons are angels. More on that later.), but humans being able to mind control each other is a massive breakthrough. It is in your best interest to use all tools available to you if you want to succeed as a parent.

Don’t know the first thing about creating a Voodoo zombie? That’s alright. I’ve got some awesome tips to help you along your zombifying way.

·         Don’t know where to start? Your friendly neighborhood Witch Doctor can help you out. While each Witch Doctor is different, they are all attracted to the infamous song “Witch Doctor”. You know it; the one that goes “Oo ee oo ah ah, ching chang walla walla bing bang.” Preferably use the chipmunk version. They will be drawn to you like ants to sugar.

·         Your Witch Doctor will give you a list of ingredients to come up with if you want your spell. I cannot stress enough how you should get EXACTLY what they want. If you cut corners on your zombie ingredients, you will get a sub-par hold on the mind of your little ankle biter. That is no fun for anyone and would most likely be the origination of the zombie apocalypse. Don’t be that asshole.

·         When you do have mental control over your offspring, practice first. You don’t want to go out in public and have your hold slip. That would be bigger than the tantrum you were trying to prevent in the first place.

·         Sometimes your spawn will know you’ve been mucking about in their head. If they catch on, you can use it as an effective deterrent to bad behavior without having to resort to the Voodoo spell. Example: “No, Timmy, you cannot bathe in the glitter glue. Don’t ask again or I will Voodoo zombie you so fast your head will spin.”

·         Be sure your little terror doesn’t bite anyone while they are under the influence. I understand Voodoo zombies are not the same as Walking Dead zombies, but better safe than sorry. Again. Don’t be that asshole.

Happy Head Shrinking!


***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*