How Routine is Killing Your Kid

All of the parenting books these days make a big deal about getting your spawn on a routine. These misguided authors insist that kids need to do the same mindless tasks (like brushing their teeth, napping, bathing, making their beds, and eating) day in and day out. Supposedly this will help them build good, healthy habits that will last them until they are legally able to take responsibility for their own actions.

I cannot tell you how much I disagree with this tactic.

Routine is an enemy! It will lull your ankle biters into a false sense of security! When they are least expecting it, there will be no bed to make and their routine will be completely out the window. Your now adult spawn will be completely broken and not have the faintest idea of how to function. There will be whole asylums filled with sad, broken humans unable to cope without their pre-established routine.

Not to mention all of the bad habits that are out there, lurking, waiting for your offspring to fall into them. No, it is best to keep the little germ incubators away from habits and routine all together.

Now, we’ve already agreed that the point of parenting is to ensure the continuation of the human species. In order for that to happen, the generations to come must be adaptable. Routine is the opposite of adaptable.

So, how can we prevent our mini humans from falling into the false sense of security that is routine?

1.       Make the very concept of habits as horrible as possible. Be creative in convincing that if your offspring should be so unlucky as to fall into a routine or develop a habit, they will expire in an incredibly gruesome way. Use images of robots or extinct animals to drive the point home.

2.       Shake up daily activities by not doing anything at the same time. In fact, it’s best to disregard all notion of time. It is a social construct that is centered around building routine. Resist! Being random at all hours is one of the best defenses.

3.       Reject any attempt to schedule your child. This includes schooling, play dates, and doctors’ appointments. If you can have walk-in appointments you can maintain a random lifestyle.

4.       If you see your snot-eater starting a routine, stop it as soon as possible. This can mean depriving them of their habit tools (tooth brushes, washcloths, beds, watches, etc.), taking them on a spontaneous errand or trip, or even punishing them for their habit building.

Keep it random, fellow parental units!


***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*