Ask Azra: Saving the Towels from Masturbating Teens

Dear Azra,

I’m a single mom raising twin boys. They are about that age where they are starting to notice girls (and I’ve started finding a lot of my dishtowels cemented into crumpled heaps). How can I talk to them about masturbation and, more specifically, not to use the dish towels for their emissions? I am not sure my washing machine can handle many more epoxied towels.

Mother of Masturbators

Ah, one of the more awkward phases of parenting. Masturbation can be a sticky subject (pun totally intended!) and dealing with how to handle the resulting mess is a difficult conversation. At least your focus is on the right problem; the state of your hand towels. That, madam, is precisely where your concern should be!

Towels are an underrated commodity. So much so that no one realizes how important those swathes of terry cloth are to their everyday life until they don’t have them anymore. Alternate options for spontaneous emissions can get costly and are not necessarily good for the environment.

So what is a mother to do? The answer is quite obvious.

Forbid your sons from committing the sin of Onan while they are under your roof. Be clear that because they have befouled the sanctity of the hand towels, they cannot indulge while in your home. That’s not saying they can’t partake elsewhere like the shed, school, a friend’s house, or wherever they can find a modicum of privacy and their own seed receptacles.  They just can’t do it at home.

Because they are teens, you may need to install anti- masturbation cameras in all corners of your home. If there’s any hint of hanky panky, then an air horn-like siren will sound, alerting everyone in the neighborhood that one of your sons is about to self-gratify. What happens after that is up to you. Do you have an army of neighbors come and scold/ mock the boy? Do you have your family members douse him in ice cold water? Really, the possibilities are endless. And, at the end of the day, you will have successfully saved your hand towels!


***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Coming of Age; Understanding When Your Parenting Job Is Done

Being a parent is a thankless job. You pour your blood, sweat, and tears into your spawn and surround them with fervent prayers that they turn out to be meaningful contributors to the human race. It seems that the work is never done. What many parents fail to realize is that there is, in fact, an end date to all this parenting torment! Believe it or not, it is when your child becomes, dare I say it? An adult.

Oh sure there’s all this hooey about how they will always be your little snot rag and how in your heart you will always worry if they are getting enough to eat. Bullshit. That is the parental guilt talking (yeah, it has a way of backfiring on those who use it.... beware).

The reality is this. Once your offspring becomes an adult, you are FREE! If you did things right, then your little monster can’t wait to become independent of you. That’s even better because it will make the transition period easier to deal with.

So really, the only question you should be asking is when does this magical age of adulting occur?

The answer is a little complicated and has to do with various cultural and societal norms in your location and time period. For example, many cultures believe that once a person reaches puberty, they are considered an adult. Others tend to go with what their government considers age of majority. That would be 18 in the US. To be safe, I’d average out what the government’s age of majority with your own cultural and or religious definition of adult is and then viola! There you have it, your end date to parenting!

What does it mean to be done with parenting? Well, it’s simple, really. You stop teaching them things. You make them be independent and make their own way in life. To test if they are ready, many cultures have what they consider a right of passage into adulthood where the person has to prove they are capable of taking care of themselves. If your culture doesn’t have anything like that, you can definitely make one up. Bonus points if you make it escape room style where you magically disappear at the end. At least for a little while.

Remember, parents. There is an end to all of this madness. Hang on just a little longer. You will soon be done with your contribution to your species!

Keep Your Eyes on the Prize,


***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*