Dear Azra,

My parents moved us into a haunted house. No joke. We moved in over the summer and very strange things have been happening. There are weird noises during the night and stuff moves on its own. I’ve seen some crazy things, things I can’t explain. Jimmy, my older brother, says that a lot of people died in the house before we moved in. It was the home of a serial killer who chopped up his victim’s bodies and ate parts of them. He says the serial killer killed himself in my bedroom to avoid getting caught by the cops. How can I protect myself against the ghost of a serial killer? Or, how can I convince my parents to get us all out of there?

Thanks,

Haunted and Hating It.

Dear Haunted,

There is only one way to fix your problem. You have to actually catch the ghost in question and you have to use your brother Jimmy to do it. Obviously, Jimmy has some inside knowledge on your specter. You need to get all of the information you can out of him. Next, when you’ve discovered the ghosts weaknesses or what it wants, set traps for it. What kind of traps would catch a ghost, you may ask? Simple. You need several cameras placed all around the house, like they did in Paranormal Activity. When you are ready to confront the ghost — and you will need to — make sure you are as insulting as you possibly can be. Ghosts are notoriously emotional creatures. They are super easy to get a rise out of if you can taunt them correctly.

When you have sufficiently gotten them to react to your insults (meaning they’ve manifested physically), you need to catch them. I would suggest a net or some sort of electro-magnetic field. Then the ghost will be entirely at your mercy!

Voila! No more horrible haunting experiences, and with the added bonus of having either blackmail material or proof of life after death to take to the press!

Don’t let the (dead) man get you down!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra is not someone to take advice from. He’s not even human- he’s an exiled angel that gets his kicks dispensing horrible advice to people. Do not take his advice seriously. It is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally.

Ghosts are everywhere and many of us are practically screaming for attention. Take me, for example. My name is Maxwell Samuelson, deceased. I spent my whole life searching for proof of the afterlife. When it killed me, I spent a good portion of my afterlife trying to make contact with the living.

A fellow decedent, Ned, wrote a— what is this called? An editorial? A blog?

Anyway. The reason I am writing is to counteract Ned’s “leave us to our rest” edict. What a horrible thing to say. The afterlife is a cold and lonely place. Holding onto the life we once had is the only peace some of us will get.

My advice? Look for the signs and reach out to your ghostly neighbors for they are certainly reaching out to you.

What are these signs? Here are a few of them:

1. Sudden drops in temperature. Ghosts take energy from their surroundings. So if you are reaching for a sweater or a blanket abruptly, chances are one of us is around.

2. Objects aren’t where you leave them. This is a classic plea for attention. Pay attention to what is missing and where it ends up. That in itself could be a message from beyond.

3. Did you hear that? A quiet whisper, a soft tapping? Listen carefully, a ghost could have found a way to talk to you.

4. Most importantly, be aware of what is around you. Not all of us ghosts have the ability to actually speak, so look for signs that someone is reaching out. More than likely they are.

Also, Ned, we don’t actually have physical bodies so all we can do is float around. Or haven’t you fallen through the floor yet?

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