Mad Holiday: Movies about Writing

In this 1936 who done it, an actor pigeonholed into playing Selby, a popular detective from a series of novels, has declared that he quits until an actual murder takes place on his vacation.

Phillip Trent (Edmund Lowe), the actor, is onboard a cruise ship when he runs into a over-excited blonde and a dead body. This encounter turns out to be a publicity stunt planned by his studio alongside the author of the Selby books, Peter Dean. Trent is ready to give Dean a piece of his mind as he finds the books as low-quality cash grabs, only to find that Dean is actually an attractive woman (Elissa Landi) who uses her grandfather’s picture on the back of the books. As she has a good laugh over the fake murder, the pair stumbles over a real murder. A wealthy man in possession of the priceless “dragon” diamond is found stabbed in Trent’s estate room.

And so a rather silly investigation begins. Donovan (Edgar Kennedy), the police sergeant on board, is fed up with Trent, Dean, and a cast of slapstick characters getting in his way. The party includes Williams, the dead man’s valet played by Edmund Gwenn - you know, Santa Claus, Morgan, a studio yes man onboard to build up publicity for the next Selby movie played by Ted Healy, Mrs. Kinney, a ridiculous fan of Trent’s played by Zasu Pitts who is often in the background with her dog and husband, and Li Tai, a Chinese heiress and wife of an Asian actor whose family used to own the diamond. And Li Tai is played by Soo Young, an actual Chinese American actress. Just don’t look too hard at her servant or you’ll be upset with Hollywood once again. Also, a very painful scene where the two leads attempt to do Asian accents.

I’m not going to give away the ending, but Dean as the author living out her books alongside the actor who brought them to life is pretty funny. She can’t help giggling every time the killer says something cheesy that' she’s used in a book. She and Trent escape from danger by using one of the actions sequences she wrote. Throughout the movie, Dean takes notes so she can turn the real-life adventure into one of her novels. She also takes offense when everyone calls them “trash”.

When Ladies Meet (1933 & 1941): Movies about Writing

Yes, this another of those situations where the same movie was remade less than a decade after the original. When you can’t re-watch a movie on TV, it stands to reason that a studio can just remake it for more money. The two movies are very similar (the 1940s version is longer, but I’m going to focus on mainly what is the same in both - and the 30s version because I liked it better).

Mary (Myrna Loy/Joan Crawford) is a novelist working on the last chapter of her latest book alongside her publisher Woodruf (Frank Morgan/Herbert Marshall) who she not-so-secretly is hoping to marry . . . for some reason. Frank Morgan is not my idea of a zaddy, but to each their own I guess. In the 40s version, Mary is popular enough that people stop her at parties asking to have books signed. Jimmie (Robert Montgomery/Robert Taylor) is a journalist and friend of Mary’s who is in love with her, yet brutally honest. He points out how her previous book had more plot holes than “Swiss cheese” and if Woodruf praised it, he has ulterior motives. Jimmie tells her that she “used to be able to write about men and women” and that her “last book has neither”. He also points out that her writing a story about a married man who no longer loves his wife and finds another woman to end his suffering is a cheap cliche and that if Woodruf suggested it to Mary, she should be careful. Jimmie is blunt, but he seems like a good beta reader.

Another rather loud friend in their group almost admits that she usually doesn’t like Mary’s books, however shows interest in her love triangle story. It makes Mary think a little about how this new book might not be as good a Woodruf has been claiming. She wants the wife and mistress of her tale to meet and he objects as he knows this is her asking to do the same with his wife.

Jimmie sets up an impromptu meeting between Mary and Mrs. Clare Woodruf (Ann Harding/Greer Garson) without revealing to either woman who the other is. He’s not doing this to hurt Clare, who Jimmie instantly likes. He’s doing this try to knock sense into Mary (and convince her to finally him instead). Clare is a fantastic person, funny and intelligent. She wins Mary over with a wonderful review of one of Mary’s previous novels, stating how “true” the main character was. Mary loves this because it’s the first time a woman has made her feel good about her characters and writing style (usually, it’s just Jimmie). Rightly, Mary wants the opinion of women since her main characters are all women. Clare points out that “women can’t fool women”. Mary asks Clare to be a beta reader on her book about the mistress and wife, still not knowing who Clare actually is. Clare’s insight into the characters in Mary’s book by talking about her own marriage. Mary is shocked that any many would cheat on Clare.

I won’t give away the ending, but I will say I liked it. It does include women with empathy, acts of self-confidence, and a writer who realizes that she doesn’t understand people as well as she believed.

Best lines:

Mary: “I’ve been working on the last chapter today.”

Bridget (Mary and Jimmie’s friend): “Oh, have you, Mary? Well, well, I didn’t know that. I mean, I saw you sitting around with the pencil in your hand, but I didn’t know anything was going on. Anything creative, I mean. This creative business is so funny. You never do know what is going on. I suppose people themselves, don’t.”

The Wonderful World of the Brothers Grimm: Movies about Writing

I first saw this movie as child and remember how long it is. Also, that the fairy tales told in the movie did not align with the original versions written by the Brothers Grimm. I also didn’t realize that the first version I’d ever seen was cut off on the edges because it was the second film in Cinerama.

Even though the movie feels long, I’ll keep this blog short. Also, I apologize to the many talents in this film, but I am not going to list all of them! Charles Beaumont (a staple of the Twilight Zone) was one of the screen writers and Henry Levin and George Pal both directed. Pal probably did the stop motion bits. Laurence Harvey plays Wilhelm, who is presented as the more fanciful of the two brothers, even though he has a wife (Claire Bloom) and two historically inaccurate children to support. He and brother Jacob (Karlheinz Bohm) have been commissioned by a Prussian Duke (Oscar Homolka) to write his family history. However, Wilhelm cannot keep away from collecting folktales to write down from what locals women will share with him. The most notable of these is the witch-like Anna Ritcher played by Martita Hunt. A bookshop owner Stossel (Walter Slezak) keeps telling them that no one will buy books of fairy tales while trying to set up beautiful Greta (Barbara Eden) with Jacob. I should add that almost everything I just described did not happen in reality, but who knows. I wasn’t there.

Wilhelm keeps putting their livelihood in jeopardy by chasing stories. By the way, the man has a traveling writing desk and no one seemed to tell the actor that was what it was. He keeps writing awkwardly on his knee. The movie adapts three tales (each one with a musical sequence). Wilhelm’s obsession costs them their job with the Duke, his brother’s faith in him, and his health. Oh The Drama.

Spoiler Alert: Jacob decides that Wilhelm is more important to him than getting sued by the Duke, marrying Barbara Eden, or having a personal library. Meanwhile, Wilhelm has fever dreams about fairy tale characters busting into his sick room and demanding his help in making sure they don’t fade away. The pair get back to work, mixing their work on grammar and history with collecting stories for children. They receive a prize for their non-fiction work, however the children of Berlin show their own gratitude as a frightening mob demanding a fairy tale.

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt: Movies about Writing

How far do you go for a book subject?

Journalist turned novelist Tom Garrett (Dana Andrews) has been putting off his wedding to his former boss’s daughter Susan (Joan Fontaine) in order to work on his next book. His publisher wants something sensational as soon as possible. His former boss Spencer (Sidney Blackmer) convinces Tom to become a suspect in a recent murder case in order to prove that a man can by given the chair based on circumstantial evidence and prove that the local district attorney has been executing too many men without solid proof. Tom agrees so he will have a topic for his book.

Fritz Lang directed this dark and twisted tale of a writer who pushes his personal life to the edge in order to have the research for a bestseller. Susan gets the detective role, attempting to fight for Tom while unraveling the truth. Also, a character dies in a car accident and his car goes up in flames after being knocked on its side. Were they lining 1950s cars with sparklers and flints?

And that is where I would draw the line. I like getting opportunities to write something different, but go through a court case and jail time to have a good story. Big. Fat. Nope. You can say that I’m not dedicated to the craft and I’d be fine with that.

I don’t want to give away the ending, but I would hope if I was a novelist like Tom, I would be better at handling a tough situation.

Irish Wish: Movies about Writing

So it turns out this Netflix produced Hallmark movie rip-off starting Lindsay Lohan is about an editor who wants to get her own novel written/published . . . and makes a wish that she is marrying her last collaborator, Irish author Paul Kennedy. Waste of a wish, lady.

Maddie has worked alongside Paul (Alexander Vlahos) for a year polishing his latest bestseller and pining for him. However, he hits it off with her best friend, Emma (Elizabeth Tan). Next thing Maddie and her other best friend, Heather, (Ayesha Curry) know, they are in Ireland for the pairs wedding. Despite meeting a handsome English photographer named James (Ed Speleeers - you know, the kid from Eragon) upon arrival, Maddie still makes a wish that she was marrying Paul instead of Emma. A fairy (who is supposed to be Saint Brigid which is very confusing to me) dressed in late 60s mod fashion grants the wish. Now Maddie is marrying Paul and James is their wedding photographer. Oh and Jane Seymour plays her mom who spends most of the film on Maddie’s phone screen or in her own B-plotline. I expected more Jane Seymour.

Before I talk about the writing elements, I want to talk about the “Irish” elements. First of all, Paul lives in a giant estate with a English accent mom. Colonizers! You know his family stole land from the Irish long ago and clearly don’t care. Second, most people in the movie have no Irish accent or a really poor accent (sound like me when I’m trying to impersonate an Irish lady I stayed with on a college trip and who did not seem to care for me). There’s a scene in a bookstore where the clerk barely tries to use an accent, the puts a God’s eye in withe books purchased. Why? Third, the stock photo scene of the Irish countryside don’t match the sets where the actors are. Fourth, what the crap is a “wishing chair”? There are so many other ways they could have worked Maddie’s wish into the movie that come from actual Irish folklore. Even the movie Leap Year came from an actual old Irish tradition. Fifth, Maddie’s favorite author is James Joyce. No one’s favorite author is James Joyce. I think they just looked up the most famous classic Irish author and said, “That will work.” And lastly, Saint Brigid?! Sorry, I can’t get over that part.

Anyway, back to the parts about writing. Heather points out that Maddie had to edit so much of Paul’s book it was practically like she wrote it. I feel like if Paul was truly into his own writing, he wouldn’t have allowed her to change that much. Her character had been working as a freelance writer before that and I appreciate how the movie points out how difficult it is to live off freelance writing which is why she became an editor for the publishing company that handled Paul’s books. Also, Paul’s book is apparently in present tense which I can only handle in certain books. No wonder she had to over-edit it. Present tense is really hard to keep up throughout an entire novel. Paul writes both of their wedding vows, pointing out that HE is the writer, even though he knows she writes as well. Of course, they have to work the love story into her career. Paul states that he knows she needs time to work on her own novel, but first he wants her help on his next novel, despite him promising to hype her up to the publisher they both work for. Naturally, James points out that she should take time for her own writing and all that. James also notices the book she edited is better than any of Paul’s other books.

Spoiler Alert . . . After realizing that Emma and Paul are better for each other and that Maddie likes James, she reverses the wish. Oh, and she tells Paul to only work with her again if it was as a co-writer.

The Wild Party: Movies about Writing

What did I just watch?

This is a Merchant Ivory Film which is NOT about England at the dawn of a new century, so I’m not entirely sure what to do with it. It’s loosely based on a poem which is loosely based on the Fatty Arbuckle scandal. Very loosely.

James Coco plays Jolly Grimm, a silent comic actor throwing a party in order to sell his latest picture, despite so many studios moving to sound films. His long time and long abused girlfriend Queenie (Raquel Welch) is in charge of making sure everything goes perfectly. Of course, it doesn’t. As the night melts into a chaotic mix of booze, orgies, and Jolly taking out all of his frustrations on Queenie, she is driven into the arms of a new Hollywood star.

All of this is observed by Jimmy (David Dukes), Jolly’s writing collaborator and Queenie’s friend. He predicted doom from the start as he 1) saw that Jolly was being extra hard on Queenie and 2) felt the new film could have been better thus asking that his name be taken off of it. While he watches the Hollywood royalty and L.A. elite descend into debauchery, Jimmy begins to create couplets in his head to wax philosophical of a series of wasted lives. As a writer who doesn’t want to be at a party would - either that or go find the house’s pet or hide in a corner.

SPOILER ALERT

Jolly gets drunker by the second, almost kisses an underage dancer, and grows depressed that he’s lost Queenie forever. The party ends with him firing up a staircase, killing Queenie’s lover. When Jimmy tries to stop him, he’s also shot and not in time to save Queenie who dies in Jolly’s arms. And what does Jimmy do in the hospital? Why write down his poem of course! Personally, I would have written it as an article and sold it to a tabloid. If you get shot by a trusted collaborator, you should be able to make the quickest money off of it.

A Break from Cinderella

Soooooo, March and April are always ridiculously busy months for me. Like hair falling out, teeth grinding in sleep, why can’t I handle alcohol like I could in my 20s level of stress. Therefore, I’m going to post some movies about writing blogs that I already have finished and return to Cinderella in the summertime. I might even explain why I’m on a Cinderella kick.

Cinderella Jones: Movies about Writing

This is another of those "What did I just Watch?! movies. Joan Leslie plays Judy Jones, is a singer who much marry a genius in order to inherit a fortune from her uncle. Also in film is are a ton of lawyers, musical numbers, dynamite, and a serial killer . . . all directed by Busby Berkeley. There is also a slew of character actors like Edward Everett Horton, S.Z. Sakall, and Elisha Cook Jr.

Judy and her boyfriend Tommy (Robert Alda) have a gimmick radio show and can’t get married until they have some money. Tommy realized that the lawyers of her uncle’s estate are looking for her and thinks with the money they can get married, not knowing the added detail that she much marry a genius. Judy is kind, flighty, and, get this, always losing her shoe. She is able to prove her identity through a shrunken head her uncle sent her as a toddler. She calls the head “Charlie” and pets it like a plush toy. “It’s so hard to shop for a baby.” She always nice, despite her being rather naive and uneducated. Tommy spends his time lovingly explaining things to her and correcting her vocabulary. Normally, I would be annoyed by his man-splaining, but this feels more like him protecting her and worrying that world will take advantage of her sweet, “dumb” disposition.

Judy seems to think she can marry a genius, get the money, and then somehow be with Tommy in the end. Tommy, knowing that things don’t work that way, changes his mind about he money and tries to convince her to just run away with him. She talks a chemistry professor (Sakall) to help her look for a genius to marry in exchange for a donation to his lab. She enrolls in the college under a man’s name (it’s an all men’s school) and her roommate (Cook) meets his first ever girl. This results in him becoming her stalker! She also meets Bart Williams (William Prince), who can’t stand her air-headed behavior, but the chemistry professor tries to hook them up and Judy gets a crush on Bart. Judy moves in with Camille (Julie Bishop), a female taxi driver who gives advice and acts as modern fairy godmother.

Then, and this is where the plot gets very weird, the chemistry professor tries to talk to Judy at the boarding house and is arrested as a peeping tom. In jail, he escapes along with his cellmate, an ax murderer! They put he professor and Bart are acquitted, yet the focus is still on getting Bart and Judy together in order to get money for the chemistry lab. Tommy, seeing Judy’s crush on Bart and wanted what he thinks is best for her, also joins plots to bring them together. Tommy even uses complex math and chemical equations to convince Bart that he’s in love with Judy. By the way, this all happens within a week.

SPOILER ALERT!

The whole group gets arrested again and the ax murderer comes back to the jail looking for his ax! They use him as a distraction to escape after finding out that Tommy is legally a genius who graduated Magna Cum Laude with a law degree, but Judy never bothered to ask him about it. They are interrupted again by singing army troops, but the army chaplain marries Tommy to Judy. And they all ride away on a tank. The end.

Ella Enchanted

The book was better! The book was better!! THE BOOK WAS BETTER!!! Sorry, I have to always get that out of the way first. I got to see an early screening of this with my best friend and it was the first thing we said to the poor woman taking down statements. “Yes. I keep hearing that,” she responded with a sigh.

Still, it’s not a bad movie. It just could have been sooooooo much better. Read the book! I know it’s for kids, but it’s a damn good book.

The story of Ella Enchanted is the concept that the Cinderella character has to be obedient due to a fairy’s christening gift gone wrong. Ella (Anne Hathaway) is semi-protected by her nanny, Mandy (Minnie Driver) after her mother dies and her father (wait, Patrick Bergin was in this?) never is aware of her curse. She can’t tell anyone, even her best friend Areida (Parminder Nagra). When her father remarries a over-the-top wealthy lady named Dame Olga (Joanna Lumley), Ella is at the mercy of her two daughters, Hattie and Olive (Lucy Punch and Jennifer Higham respectfully). Hattie has an unhealthy obsession with Prince Char (Hugh Dancy), whose Uncle Edgar (Cary Elwes) has started segregating humans and magical creatures. My point is . . . this has a big cast. There also Eric Idle, Steve Coogan, Vivica A. Fox, and Jim Carter. The whole film takes place in a modernized fairy tale world with Prince Char fan magazines, wooden escalators, and Ella being part a of a protest movement. Some character are wearing what look like tee-shirts. I object. The characters of the story claim we think of fairy tales the way we do because of fairy tales. A running gag throughout is “stinking Grimm Brothers”.

Where as in the book, Ella and Char meet as children and grow into love as a teenagers, the movie has Ella at first hating Char for political reasons and him slowly winning her over. The curse over Ella is also over-used in the film, creating ridiculous moments of Ella literally freezing and suddenly knowing advanced fighting techniques. There’s also times when the curse should have made her do things that she doesn’t do. This gives the curse an obvious quality. More people should have figured it out besides Hattie. But Lucy Punch is always hilarious, I just try to focus on that.

Ella searches for a way to break the curse and meets elves, ogres, giants, and upsets the plans of the evil Uncle Edgar (a character who didn’t exist in the book). Edgar is the embodiment of a fear book Ella had - that someone could use her curse to hurt Char or the kingdom. SPOILER: I do like how they filmed the scene when she breaks the curse. It’s at the ball in a hall of mirrors which looks more magical than most of the rest of the film. Other than that the ending feels sillier every time I watch it. What the hell is up the “red guards” and why can Ella roundhouse kick them without being ordered to do so? Why do I feel weird about the dance number at the end of this movie, but love the one at the end of Mirror Mirror? Maybe because this ending feels like it was for five year olds.

Swing Shift Cinderella

Yes. Yes. I know. There are certain modern objections to this cartoon. But it’s Tex Avery! And the “Cinderella” character is very confident and comfortable in her own skin.

The plot is a wolf takes a break from chasing Little Red Riding Hood in order to pursue the Cinderella of the title. Despite his zoot suit and pencil mustache, Cinderella violent spurs his advances (a frying pan is involved), so she can work on getting to the ball. Meanwhile, her amorous fairy godmother chases after the wolf, whose not interested.

Cinderella talks like Bette Davis (“You do wave a mean wand, don’t you, Fairy Godmother”), wears a fur coat, and drives a luxury car instead of a coach. The wolf follows Cinderella and the godmother follows the wolf. But it turns out that Cinderella has gone to this fancy shindig to perform, not to meet a prince. At midnight, she runs home to change, because she has a shift in a WWII factory. However, the bus taking her is full of wolves.

Muppets!

Go away! I’m watching the new Muppet Show with Sabrina Carpenter . . . again. I’m a grown woman! I can watch it as many times as I want!

Oh, and we’re having a sale. Type is SALE50 and get 50% of your order on the fivesmilingfish shop.

Tempe Fan Con

This is why I forgot to blog. You should come support local businesses, vendors, and library!

Cinderella II Dreams Come True

There was a dark time in Disney’s history. Not as dark as right now with all of the live-action remakes. These films at least tried to tell a new story, yet still - a bleak history. This was the time of the direct-to-dvd Disney films. And there were so many of them. So. Many.

This one is particularly sweet and dull. It came out when I was a senior in high school and I would have been protected from it if I didn’t have a baby niece. My mom bought every one of these so we could keep the small child amused and, much to my regret, said child really liked this one.

Told in an anthology style, the mice regal the audience with three tales of Cinderella’s married life. They are creating a book with the help of the Fairy Godmother, who apparently just chills in the castle without any of the humans knowing.

The first story is about Cinderella being required to plan a royal banquet with the help of a strict housekeeper named Prudence and a pair of ladies-in-waiting who are not afforded the luxuries of personalities. Cinderella is dressed in restricting clothes and given a long list of rules to follow. The part of this story I liked was that they established that Cinderella had friends in the village. It makes sense that she would be popular among shop keepers and commoners. What I hated was Cinderella expressing a valley-girl-esque “ew!” when she finally removed the historically incorrect gown. This is of course when she decided to be herself and do things her own way. A very nice message, however I would have preferred it without a pop song.

The second story is the one that for some reason bored me the most as a teenager. Jaq the mouse is depressed that it’s to difficult to help Cinderella in a giant castle. He makes a wish to be human and the Fairy Godmother turns him into an Ichabod Crane knock-off. This misadventure then depresses Gus-Gus and Jaq’s neglected girlfriend Mary (a random female mouse who sounds like the Chipettes). Then, another pop song played, thus depressing me. This story is also about being yourself. Jaq does get some revenge on a castle’s cat who is a pale comparison to Lucifer in the first movie. Why are cats in Disney movies all motivated by bitchiness?

The third story is the only one really worth watching. Cinderella’s stepsister, Anastasia (the red-headed one , in case you weren’t sure) gets a crush on a baker in the village. Cinderella sees this “while in disguise” which really just means she’s in her scullery maid dress. How is that a disguise? It was already established that she has friends in the village so won’t they recognize her in her old clothes? Let’s have some continuity, people! Anyway, Anastasia’s mother and sister make fun of her while Cinderella offers to help. This is where you get the only line in the movie I really appreciate. Cinderella tells Anastasia to be kind because, “You catch more flies with honey”. Anastasia promptly asks, “Who’d want to catch flies?” She has a point.

Off topic, but does anyone else find it really weird that Anastasia owns a music box with dancing figures that look like Cinderella and the prince inside. I mean, why is the kingdom selling royal merchandise? And did Anastasia have to buy it full price or was it a friends and family discount kind of thing?

Back to the story. Anastasia suffers a Hallmark Channel movie misunderstanding where she thinks the baker already has a girlfriend. The baker suffers his own mishaps in attempting to court Anastasia. Then, Anastasia stands up for their awkward relationship to her mother and, get this, learns to be herself. There was a theme!

Was this worth watching again for the sake of a blog. Not really.

Book Launch This Weekend!

https://www.scaleandfeather.com/

Book Launch January 17th!

You are cordially invited to an evening where candlelight flickers, mead flows, and the veil between the ordinary and the uncanny grows delightfully thin.

Join us at Scale & Feather Meadery as we celebrate the release of Megan E. Vaughn’s newest novel, In Dracula’s Shadow, a tale steeped in intrigue, dark charm, and the irresistible pull of the immortal.

Raise a glass (or a goblet, should you prefer) and savor the night among fellow readers. Come in your best vampire or vampire hunter gear (no weapons please).

A Tempting Offer for the Night
Purchase a flight of mead and enjoy 5% off any book — a small reward for those willing to indulge in both story and spirit.

Book Launch Gathering
Scale & Feather Meadery
4 to 8 pm

January 17th

Come for the mead. Stay for the mystery.
And should you feel a presence at your shoulder, well, some shadows are worth stepping into.

Resvolve to Read about Resolutions (Copy)

New Years Resolutions - who really keeps them? For example, here’s a resolution poem:

When I come to be old. 1699. Jonathan Swift

Not to marry a young Woman.
Not to keep young Company unless they reely desire it.
Not to be peevish or morose, or suspicious.
Not to scorn present Ways, or Wits, or Fashions, or Men, or War, &c.
Not to be fond of Children, or let them come near me hardly.
Not to tell the same story over and over to the same People.
Not to be covetous.
Not to neglect decency, or cleenlyness, for fear of falling into Nastyness.
Not to be over severe with young People, but give Allowances for their youthfull follyes and weaknesses.
Not to be influenced by, or give ear to knavish tatling servants, or others.
Not to be too free of advise, nor trouble any but those that desire it.
To desire some good Friends to inform me wch of these Resolutions I break, or neglect, and wherein; and reform accordingly.
Not to talk much, nor of my self.
Not to boast of my former beauty, or strength, or favor with Ladyes, &c.
Not to hearken to Flatteryes, nor conceive I can be beloved by a young woman, et eos qui hereditatem captant, odisse ac vitare.
Not to be positive or opiniative.
Not to sett up for observing all these Rules; for fear I should observe none.

I’m pretty sure that Swift didn’t keep any of that crap except not having kids. I prefer to think of resolutions as the great authors of the 19th Century looked upon them:

Oscar Wilde said, “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.”

or Mark Twain who stated, “New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”

But not Henry Ward Beecher who had this to say, “Every man should be born again on the first day of January. Start with a fresh page. Take up one hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one, according to circumstances; but on the first of January let every man gird himself once more, with his face to the front, and take no interest in the things that were and are past.” He should have worked on not having so many mistresses and learned to gird himself in other ways.

My point is that if you’re going to take part in an archaic tradition that doesn’t really mean much besides dieting for two weeks then giving up, I say we return to the ancient ways of New Year’s Resolutions. When midnight comes on December 31 and moves us into January 1, step outside. Tilt your head to the sky. Take a deep breath. And shout your promises to ancient Babylonian gods who will smite you if you break them. You want to keep those resolutions - just keep telling yourself that if you break them the deity Marduk will have you slowly devoured by his pet dragon.

A Cinderella Christmas Ball

Wait, this movie is trying to convince me that Danica McKellar was born in the late 1980s! That would mean she was an infant during the Wonder Years. Gross!

I’m not really sure what about this story is “Cinderella”. I made it an hour into the movie before I figured out that it’s the actual name of the ball. Not really a Cinderella story. Still, I watched it - I’m going to blog about it.

Anyway, Danica McKellar plays Chelsea, a dance instructor who runs a program for children with emotional and psychological needs. Her students and best friend (token Black woman with no other personality than to encourage the main character) gather money for her to take a trip to Genovia . . . sorry, I mean, Havenshire. I like that the existence of places like Monaco and Luxembourg have made it easy for movies and books to make up tiny European principalities. Chelsea was adopted as a child and her birth mother never left her any clues to her birth father. She follows the long-shot of a photograph of her mother in Havenshire holding a man’s hand as an excuse to go to Europe. I’ve heard worse reasons. On her first night, a mysterious and charming man with terrible fake sideburns at the inn mistakes her for a reporter trying to sneak into the castle for a tabloid website. She defends herself and they dance. Gee. I wonder who this handsome man will turn out to be.

The next day, Chelsea accidentally gets a job teaching the local Prince Phillip to dance for a Christmas ball. And guess who it is! The man from the inn! And he refuses to dance! Unbeknownst to Chealsea, the ball is meant to be an announcement of his future wife. Yet, he agrees to take the dance lessons so Chelsea can have the time on the castle grounds to investigate her birth family. Oh the adorable drama!

Phillip likes to go into town “incognito” which means wearing glasses. I’m so disappointed in the lack of Superman/Clark Kent jokes. My boyfriend pointed out that he looks like the killer from Day of the Jackal and that was all I could see for the rest of the film. Actually, I that might have make the movie more enjoyable for me. The love story wasn’t even all that romantic. He remembers things from their walks and this for some reason surprises her. The walk was a day ago! Get higher standards! I do like the plot line about birth families and adoption, including the inn owner who is trying to adopt his foster kids. There also a lot of faux pas moments of Chelsea attempting to mingle with politicians and eat table settings that look like food. One of the diplomats especially takes an interest in her (not in a creepy way). All of which is better than the romance. There are a lot of risks falling in love when you don’t know who you are biologically related to.

SPOILER ALERT: At first, Chelsea thinks the inn owner is her birth father, but, there’s a twist. It turns out to be the diplomat from earlier. Oh, and she dances with the prince at the ball and agrees to marry him. She chooses to be a queen over running a charity dance program for in-need youth. Sure. Fine. Whatever.

The dance scenes are more silly than romantic. Girl, all Phillip needs is the foxtrot. Not a recreation of Strictly Ballroom. Damn, it! I should’ve watched Strictly Ballroom. That’s kind of a Cinderella story. The overlooked woman because the belle of the ball and wins the “prince”.

Besides what Danica McKellar wears (seriously, her clothes are great), the costumes in this movie are the pits. I did better with seam ripped curtains and discount fabric in my high school productions. The outside of the castle looks like AI! The dance sequences are just an opportunity for McKellar to use her Dancing with the Stars skills in a film (which is not the correct time of ballroom dancing for a diplomatic occasion). I might have enjoyed this more if she’d been teaching him math . . . and I hate math.

A Cinderella Story: A Christmas Wish: Movies About Writing (Copy)

I love a good Cinderella story . . . And this . . . How do I be diplomatic?

Let’s just dive in. The Cinderella is played by Laura Marano, an actress from one of those Disney Channel shows where the kids all have to sing and/or dance. Kat (nope, not Ella) is an aspiring songwriter who is working on a crappy Christmas pop tune. Sorry. Sorry. Anyone who knows me knows that 12 years of retail killed most “popular” Christmas songs for me. I generally just stick to the soundtrack from Muppet Christmas Carol and the classics preferably sung by Ella Fitzgerald. I should warn all the songs in this are unbelievably auto tuned. Which surprised me since the main actress was on a show where all they did was make her sing. OK, deep breath, as we dive in even further.

Kat works at a Christmas Santaland as a dancing, singing elf with her best friend. She is trying to save up money to move out of her stepmother’s house, but knows realistically she can’t until she gets her inheritance at the age of 18 (which is still several months away). Also working at Santaland in secret is Dominic Wintergarden (Gregg Sulkin). Yes. That is his name. His dad (billionaire who, spoiler alert, used to be best friends with Kat’s philanthropist father) insists that his son dresses as Santa (it is family tradition). Oh yeah. They also own Santaland.

Even though having an eighteen year old play Santa is already awkward, Kat’s best friend starts calling him “hot Santa” and “sexy Santa”. At one point he and Kat even do weird striptease, Removing hats and fake ears in order to reveal who they truly are under the costumes. And that is about the point when I sped up the speed of the movie So I didn’t have to torture myself through all 85 minutes.

Can’t hold it in anymore. I’m sure many people worked very hard on this movie, but I was in physical pain watching parts of it. It wasn’t even just the corn ball. It was scenes like scenes silly striptease with Santa (look how cute we are even though she’s technically under age, and you’re making jokes about removing clothing - Yes, I know the actors are in their 20s; it’s the thought of it in a kid’s movie not the reality) and a random duet between Kat and “prince charming” when all of the other songs were performances/part of Kat’s songwriting process. And then at the end, she breaks the fourth wall right before the “big kiss” and I suddenly felt very uncomfortable! Don’t look directly at the camera before you make out! It’s creepy!

What I did like was that she and her best friend were both creatives who supported each other (her songwriting and her friend’s aspirations to be a costume designer). Her step-mother is super wicked. She kept feeding on Kat’s insecurities and keeping her down by telling her she’s never survive as a songwriter. I kept expecting the woman to harm Kat’s disabled dog just to add to the wickedness. Also, the dog was named Bruno.

A Cinderella Christmas (Copy)

This one isn’t about writing, but it is about women in a creative field.

Emma Rigby (shout out to those Hollyoaks fans - which I’m really not, but I liked her in Once Upon a Time in Wonderland) is Angie, a woman who runs a successful catering business belonging to her uncle. The problem is that she shares business with a lazy, gold digging cousin Candace and she won’t be able to get full control until Candace is married. This is Candace’s rule and their uncle has no clue that Angie does all of the work. Also, I’m fairly certain they live in the Matthews house from Boy Meets World.

They cater a party for the wealthy businessman, Nikolaus Karmichael (according to imdb that’s how it’s spelled), who desperately wants to run his family company his own way or start his own company with his inheritance. However, he can’t have control of his inheritance until he’s married. I know, it all sounds like the film takes place in 1904, but it’s supposed to be 2016. Anyway, Candace suffers from a facial peel mishap and can’t attend the Christmas function as a guest (Nikolaus invited her for some reason), so Angie of course goes in secret because it’s a masked ball! Always with the masked balls. I do like the game they place at the ball where attendees bring a stocking with items related to their personality. The anonymous stockings are hung on a tree to be picked out by other people and then they have to match who they belong to. Naturally, Angie and Nikolaus choose each other’s stockings and hit it off, only for Angie to run back to the kitchens before the unmasking.

All of this is hinted at being the mastermind of Zelda, a dress shop owner in town played by Mindy Cohn. You know, Natalie, from the Facts of Life. Mrs. Garrett must’ve taught her to butt her nose into people’s love lives.

The ball happens in the first thirty minutes of the film, which was a nice touch instead of dragging out the abuse she’s suffering from her cousin. Oh wait, now we have to fill up the other hour of the film with Nikolaus’s gross marriage proposal. That’s right, he does the actual fairy tale thing and proposes to the woman the Christmas stocking belongs to. He hires Angie and Candace to plan a Christmas Eve wedding in hopes that his mystery woman shows up.

Angie discovers that Nikolaus drives her nuts and agrees to trick him into thinking that Candace was her at the ball. Of course, this is Candace’s plan and she tries to behave like Angie leading up to the wedding. And so the story turns into Cyrano. Candace wears an earpiece on her dates with Nikolaus and Angie feeds her what to say while realizing he’s not such a bad guy. He also starts to realize that Angie is the one he gets along with and worries about Candace’s type A behavior. And thank the Hallmark Christmas movie gods that Nikolaus is not a complete moron. He figures out with almost thirty minutes left of the story that Angie is who he met, but is upset that she cares so little for him that’s she’d let him marry Candace. That’s a legit upset.

SPOILERS!

Angie’s friends, who are barely in the film, turn on Candace’s microphone so everyone at the wedding hears her and Angie argue about the business and Nikolaus. Nikolaus (who doesn’t hear any of this) tests Candace by proclaiming that he will give up the inheritance and calls off the wedding based on her negative reaction. His mom then tells him that he’s earned his inheritance without getting married because he’s shown maturity. Apparently, she let’s him help run a multi-million dollar company, yet does not trust him to spend his own money. Angie’s uncle also apologizes because he feels like her and Candace constantly lying to him makes him a bad father. They are two grown-ass women! You aren’t responsible for their actions, man. Candace also gives Angie a bullshit apology of being jealous of her. Then Nikolaus shows up and he and Angie go to be young, hot entrepreneurs together. The end.

Things that were super annoying in this made-for-cable Cinderella holly, jolly schlock were Emma Rigby’s American accent, the use of Christmas phrases as swear words, and the over sentimentally of the dialogue. What I loved besides the stocking game - Angie quotes Oscar Wilde.

Poor Cinderella (1934)

THE PUMPKIN IS SINGING! DEAR GOD! THE PUMPKIN IS ALIVE! KILL IT!

I mean, oh look. Betty Boop as Cinderella. Isn’t that cute. Although the part where her underwear inches up reminds me that these cartoons were really more for adults than children. Don’t get me wrong. Fleischer cartoons who directed and produced this were animation marvels which is why Disney were their rivals.

In this ten minute short, Betty Boop (as a red head in order to show one of the first Fleischer cartoons in color) sings of being a “poor Cinderella” and her rather stylish fairy godmother fixes her up. She gets to the ball in her backless dress, dances with a prince who’s mustache looks upside down, and barely gets out before midnight at which time she has to walk home with her pumpkin and vermin.

The prince dramatically languishes as maidens in the kingdom fail to fit in the glass slipper. My favorite is when a girl’s big toe grows a face and gives her a sad expression. Betty Boop claims the slipper and prince. However, I can’t help being distracted by her happily ever after. Her prince is a rather boring children’s book illustration brought to life and she’s Betty Boop. Her head is bigger than his torso and yet she’s only half his height. I mean, love is love, but why can’t animation draw more interesting princes.