If Sleeping Beauty was Social Isolating

If Sleeping Beauty was Social Isolating

Once upon a time in a far away kingdom, a princess was under a terrible sleeping curse, granted at her birth by an angry fairy. The princess knew nothing of this, only that her parents, the king and queen, were extremely over protective of her. She could not sneeze from a bit of dust without the court physician being called for.

Then, a bought of plague reached their kingdom due to lax trade laws and lack of general hygiene. To keep the beloved princess from catching the disease, she stayed in the castle and everyone agreed to stay at least six feet away from her.

On her sixteenth birthday, knowing she couldn’t have a party, all of the princess’s friend and subjects sent her gifts. She opened each present from a safe distance from even her own parents, who oohed and awwed at each new gown and shawl.

One of the largest gifts in the pile had shiny green and purple wrapping. Everyone thought it was from someone else and were debating such as she opened it. No one noticed as she pulled back the wrapping to see something new to her - a spinning wheel - the exact object which would seal her sleeping curse. By the time the court looked upon it, they were too late to run the six feet across the room and smack the spindle out of the young girl’s hand.

The princess pricked her finger and fell into a hundred year sleep. A good fairy, figuring that this was an option for quarantining the plague any way, put the entire kingdom to sleep.

A century passed behind a wall of thrones before a prince stumbled upon the kingdom. The brambles parted fro him and his heart led the way directly to the sleeping princess. Never in his life had he seen anyone more beautiful. He leaned down over her perfect face and still eyes. His lips pressed into hers. Then, he felt a hand wack him on the back of the head.

He stumbled backwards, his stunned expression attempting to size up the now completely awake princess.

“What is wrong with you?” she yelled. “Don’t you know there’s a plague? I’m social distance, you dick! Why do you just kiss people? Don’t you have any manners?”

Luckily, it had turned out that in the last one hundred years, a cure for that particular strain of plague had been discovered. With the kingdom restored and the people once again relatively healthy, the princess spent time teaching the prince about boundaries. The end.

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If Cinderella had been 30

If Cinderella had been 30

Once upon a time there was a grand house where an old woman, her two grown daughters, and her grown step-daughter lived. Since she had been a teenager, the step-daughter had been treated at the servant of the house, made to dress in the ragged, cast-off clothes of her sisters and sleep near the kitchen hearth. Because of her dirty appearance, they called her Cinderella.

Each day, Cinderella toiled endlessly as the only person to keep her demanding family fed and content, knowing that if she were to leave she would have no other opportunities to work. After all, she was 30. A spinster. An old maid. Who would possibly hire her?

One summer day, a messenger arrived at the house declaring there was to be a ball at the royal palace. Cinderella helped her awful step-family prepare as they gloated over their good fortune at having been invited. As they rode away in their rented carriage, she despaired. One night out sounded so nice.

As she went back to scrubbing the floors, a mysterious figure appeared before her. The elderly lady stooped over a cane and smiled down upon Cinderella.

“I suppose you’re wondering where I have been all of this time?” she asked with a kind smile.

Within her mind, Cinderella scoffed, “Actually, I was wondering if you wiped your feet before walking on my clear floor.” Out loud, she demurely asked, "Who are you?”
”Your fairy godmother, of course! I have been waiting for an opportunity like this to be of help you to you!”

“You know of a different place of employment that offers free room and board, but where I won’t be psychologically abused?” Cinderella asked hopefully.

“No silly, I am going to send you to the ball!”

“Oh. That’s good too., but I wouldn’t mind a more permanent solution to my current living situa-”

“Follow me out the the garden!” the fairy godmother interrupted and Cinderella obeyed.

Within twenty minutes, the magic of the strange old lady turned a pumpkin into a carriage, mice into horses, lizards into footmen, a rat into a driver, and Cinderella’s dress into a gorgeous gown draped over delicate glass slippers.

As Cinderella realized how long it had been since she’d worn heels, the fairy godmother chastised her about curfew. “You must leave before midnight or everything will turn back to what it was before. I know it’s a lousy thing to ask, but it must be midnight.”

“Midnight. I won’t forget.” She thanked the strange old lady, climbed into the carriage, and prepared to have her first night out since she was sixteen.

When she arrived, Cinderella was instantly the belle of the ball. The prince, a man who had waited till he was older to marry (which was fairly common in that time period - look it up) was instantly taken with her. This was not only due to her beauty, but her conversation. Truthfully, many of the younger women at the ball had caught his eye, but hours of trying to speak with twenty-one year olds had left him bored. He craved speaking with someone from his own generation.

They danced and talked and Cinderella paid close attention to the clock hung strategically over the ballroom. By nine pm the prince offered her a drink and they both sat down.

He told her of the five diplomatic meetings in a row he’d conducted directly before the ball. She told him of her gardening that had to be finished that day or the carrots and onions would have spoiled. Neither wanted to admit that their feet were killing them.

By 9:30, the elderly king who had been observing all from his comfortable throne went in search of his son. He was curious about the lovely young woman monopolizing the prince’s evening. He found them both on a bench in the palace gardens, fast asleep. The king ordered a blanket to be placed over them.

Midnight struck and the pair of tired adults dozed on the bench, Cinderella’s head resting on the prince’s shoulder. All of her changed back, the only item remaining in its magical state being her glass shoes.

The sun rose and at last the pair awoke. At first, Cinderella panicked, ready to run from the prince with the blanket hiding her grimy dress. However, the prince was a covers hog and managed to pull the blanket with him as he stood to stretch.

“That was a surprisingly good night’s sleep.” He glanced down at her as she awaited the verbal berating. Instead, he rubbed the back of his neck. “Weren’t you wearing- Nevermind. I must’ve been more tire then I thought. Breakfast?”

And so, the prince helped Cinderella up from the bench. She limped slightly as they walked towards the palace doors and her noticed the glass slippers still chiming along the pavement.

He sat her back down and, without any further explanation, ran into the castle without her.

Cinderella owned up her look, deciding it was too late to fuss with the rag on her head or the apron on her waist. She thought maybe the prince was going to get the head cook and maybe offer in a job in the kitchen. Although, it would be hard to see the prince and not be able to speak on equal terms ever again.

When the prince came back, both hands were behind his back. He knelt down before her and asked her to remove her shoes. She did so and he slipped a pair of fuzzy bedroom slippers on her dainty feet. They were like walking on pillows.

“That better?”

She nodded.

And so they ate breakfast and talked. Somehow, breakfast led to marriage and happily ever after where no one ever made them stay up past ten on a long day ever again. That is until their first kid was born. But that’s a different exhausting story.

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The End.


If Snow White had been Under Quarentine

If Snow White Had been Under Quarentine

Once upon a time, an evil queen’s vanity made her so jealous of her little step-daughter that she ordered the child’s death. The child was beautiful, with hair black as ebony, lips red as blood, and skin white as snow. Luckily, the little girl was spared by the huntsman. She came across a little cottage in the woods where there were seven little chairs, seven little beds, and a place to hang seven pick-axes hung on the wall.

Snow White, as the child was called, allowed herself inside. She cleaned up the clearly bachelor owned abode and fell asleep in one of the beds.

Seven little men came home that night with news of a disease that had spread from the village. They felt confident and smug as their work kept them from coming in contact with such illnesses. Then, they discovered their clean house and the girl drooling upon one of their pillows. Her lips were bright crimson and her skin was pale as death. Clearly, she was ill and had brought the disease upon them.

The seven dwarfs tripped over one another in a panic to be out of the house. They locked the door behind them and boarded up the windows and doors.

Snow White awoke as they continued to lock her in. She protested through the slats, insisting she wasn’t sick.

“That’s what sick people always say,” one of the oldest of the men declared. “Now you just stay in there under quarantine until the doctor says you can come out.”

“How long will that take?” she cried.

“The closest doctor is a three day ride from here on horseback,” a different man explained.

“Oh. Six days is not so bad. My step-mother locked in my my room for a week once.”

“Yes. But you see we don’t have a horse,” a third man said.

“But don’t worry. There is plenty of food in there for you to eat, little girl,” a fourth dwarf explained.

“We are sorry about this, but aren’t you glad we’re letting you stay in our house. Don’t think we didn’t consider burning it down,” a different dwarf stated.

The sixth dwarf grunted, “Just try not to breathe on anything until we get back.”

At which a seventh dwarf chimed in, “Unless you can do more cleaning and organizing. I mean, it would be the least you could do since we are going to get the doctor for you.”

And so they left her. Snow White started her isolated days easily. She patched up worn-out dwarf clothes and reorganized their sock drawers. When the days were particularly long, she cleaned. When the days felt shorter, she played games with the mice living in the walls.

Then the days started to blend together. Soon, she was speaking to the mice, planning out adventures with them. As this was the time before the internet, her child mind started to come up with her own answers to questions she had about the world. Her conversations with herself went like this:

“Why is a mouse’s tail not as furry as the rest of him?”

“Because, Snow White, is a bitch. That’s why.”

“Oh! Duh. Silly me.”
As the dwarfs had no books, she started using coal to draw and write stories on her walls. These were not as much fun after the mice criticized her tale of a her step-mother choking on a whole onion.

“What do you mean she wouldn’t eat a whole onion? Don’t question my art, mice!” Either way, the onion was changed to an apple.

Snow White didn’t know how many days had gone by (only that trying to cut her own hair had been a bad idea) when the dwarfs finally returned with a man a plague doctor mask. He removed the mask after the boards over one window were removed and he got a good look at her.

“This child isn’t sick. She just needs more sunlight. You seven do you know at the other symptom besides bleeding lips and pale skin is foaming from the mouth right? You’re lucky I don’t report you for child abuse, but as we don’t have laws for that, I guess there’s nothing I can do.”

The dwarfs released Snow White, she punched each of them in their seven faces, and she went back to town with the doctor. Snow White then used the plague mask and a gloves to take a comb, ribbons, and an apple from the home of a diseased family She sent them to her step-mother, waiting for the vain woman to be quarantined, and used the opportunity to take back her kingdom.

The end

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In Defense of The Changling (Copy)

It’s almost St. Patrick’s Day - Time for an Irish story!

Brief History: Instead of focusing on a single story, I’ll just give a broad history of the Changeling legend. The general myth is that elves and fairies kidnap beautiful human babies and replace them with their own horrid children or with a piece of faeryland like a branch or log. Sometimes they also kidnapped grown women, creating beautiful mothers to care for the fae children. In order to bring back the kidnapped, you had to make the changeling laugh, treat it with love, or say the right prayer.

Analysis: The idea of having a child who did not seem “right” was a fear of all mothers in the time before psychological or scientific reasoning. The belief that such a child could be saved through simple magic must have been too great of a hope to let go of, which is probably why questioning the belief in changelings lasted until the 1800s in some countries and cultures.

Blame It on the Victorians: In 1895, Bridget Cleary was burned to death by her husband in front of a group of witnesses. Why did the townspeople of Ballyvadlea, Ireland stand by while this man allowed his sick wife to catch fire and burn? Well, because Bridget Cleary had been spirited away and this imposter had to die in order to bring her back? Due to this belief, Michael Cleary was only charged with manslaughter instead of homicide. In Ireland, this true event inspired more nursery rhymes and new fairy tales in which Bridget was a witch.

 Last Thoughts: A good way to make a changeling baby laugh is to boil and cook within an eggshell. Yeah… not really sure how that works, but best to try that before setting someone on fire.

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All Saints' Day (Copy)

In the Southwest, Mexico, and some Latin American countries, today is best own as the first day of El Dia de los Muertos, but November 1 also has it’s background in All Hallows Day or Hallowmas.

In Medieval Europe, Halloween lasted three days - All Hallows Eve on the 31st of October, All Hallows Day on November 1, and the Feast of All Souls on November 3 - which were all meant to be days to honor the death and keep one’s own morality in mind. Halloween was part of a Pagan day of harvest. What started as Samhain, a day when the veil between the spirit world and the mortal world was dangerously thin, became a Christian holiday of remembrance. The recently deceased were the most cared for in these celebrations, hoping their souls weren’t lost in Purgatory. All Saint’s and All Soul’s days are for visiting graves, feasting in honor of the dead, and, of course, remember all of those obscure Catholic saints who died in very creative ways.

So what’s with the history lesson, you may ask? I just wanted to point out that, even if you aren’t Catholic, your Halloween celebrations do not need to end just yet. Sacrifices aren’t just for on Halloween, you know. The powers that be need to know that you are serious about your tributes.

So, make a pretty wreath from the bones of your enemies and place it on Grandma’s grave. She will like to know you’re thinking of her even after Halloween is over. And while you are at it, say a prayer to St. Dymphna. Her story sucks. Look it up if you dare.

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You Scream, I Scream, We All Scream for Banshee (Copy)

Let’s just take a moment to recognize the lack of banshees used in popular media. Sure, Supernatural used it, as did several other “monster of the week” style TV shows. There are a few times cheesy horror movies have tried to bring back the Banshee without success. Darby O’Gil and the Little People made a good Banshee, which is pretty impressive for a Disney movie where they let Sean Connery sing. In honor of St. Patrick’s Day (and because I’m sick to death of Leprechauns being everywhere) let’s give a little love to the Banshee.

First off, what is a Banshee (for those of you unfamiliar with the creature)? Long answer, it’s a spirit of a woman, sometimes young and sometimes a hag, who combs her hair and wails by the shores of rivers— Eh. Nevermind. Short answer, it’s a spirit that warns of or predicts death by shrieking.

Therefore, let us all shriek, long and loud, in honor of a piece of Irish culture that doesn’t get colored by first graders. Deep breath in and…

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa (gasp) aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

And done.

While My Luck Runs Out (Copy)

            I seem to be the subject of a bet. And not just the subject of any bet, but a bet between a banshee and a leprechaun! The leprechaun had tied my shoe laces together and tripped to me in a meadow by the river. This is even more amazing since before this happened my boots did not have laces.

            He then started clapping his hands, doing a jig, and laughing. Have you ever heard a leprechaun laugh? It’s not a fun sound.

            It was a few minutes after that that the banshee appeared. She started screaming almost immediately. Still, this high pitched noise was less annoying than the lepre-laugh. I'm not sure why she is so angry at the leprechaun. He keeps telling her that he won and then she starts screaming again. Honestly all I want is a pair of ear plugs!

            This grass is wet. I am quite uncomfortable, but I can’t get these enchanted boot laces unknotted. Oh. The banshee just threw a comb at the leprechaun. Bonked him right on his wee noggin. I’m assuming that is proper term for a leprechaun’s head or am I being culturally insensitive?

            Maybe I should worry about the semantics later. The banshee is coming towards me.

            Really not sure what to do here. She is just shrieking. Do I tell her that I don’t speak shriek? Maybe she could mime whatever she’s trying to tell me. I assume mime is an art form mastered by all mythical creatures.

            “I assume you’re trying to tell me when I’m going to die?”

            The leprechaun is frowning at me. “Die? What makes you say that?”

            “There’s a banshee. My ears hurt. I’m sorry if this is presumptuous, but it seems the most logical reasoning.”

            “Oh for the love of—” After picking himself up, the leprechaun is signaling for his rival to quiet herself for a moment. “That’s just how she talks. Everyone always thinks that she’s predicting doom or death, but the truth is that people just act like such eejits when she’s about that they get into terrible accidents after meeting her.”

            The banshee is interrupting him with a short shriek. “Oh, and heart attacks. Her voice does cause a lot of heart attacks,” the little man adds.

            “That’s . . . nice. Can I ask why you two are keeping me prisoner in a field and why you gave me shoe laces?”

            “You can.”

            The banshee is nodding in agreement.

            “Why are you two keeping me prisoner in a field and why did you give me shoelaces?”

            The woman’s red hair iswaving back and forth. It looks like it could wrap around her neck and choke her. She wailing quite a bit. Is this the banshee equivalent of ranting?

            “Will you hush up? He can’t understand you anyway.” They are both rolling their eyes. “You aren’t our prisoner. You can leave whenever you want.”

            “I can? Are you sure, because I’ve been trying to untie these laces ever since your friend arrived and—”

            “I gave you laces and tied them together because I bet this one here three pieces of gold that could get a human to bow down to me.”

            “Not to be rude, but I really didn’t bow. I fell.”
            A giant grin is on the banshee’s face. Uh oh, the leprechaun is turning red. There’s steam coming out of his ears. Can he explode? Is that something leprechauns do? He’s stomping his feet and swearing. I mean, really swearing. He’s saying words that I’m fairly certain are illegal in my village.

            The banshee just screeched something at him. It sounded rather smug and annoyed, which I never knew a screech sound that way. Whatever she said, it made the leprechaun calm down.

            He walking away and answering the banshee t the same time. “Very well. You buying is a good enough prize, I suppose. But I did win.”

            And she screamed back him. They are walking away towards the pub. And they just left me here. In the mud. With my boots tied together.

            Anyone have a knife handy?

Eros & Psyche Part 3 Psyche

The gods are both my salvation and my curse . . . pretty much like any in-laws, I suppose.

My father was an abusive ass so it only stood to reason that he would want me married off to someone in the same category. Even though I escaped that life and married someone who bought me, but waited for me to truly love him and be ready before coming to my bed, it only stands to luck that my mother-in-law would be just as manipulative. Although, I suppose the gods can’t help it. Manipulation is all they’ve known, which makes me wonder where Eros learned his patience.

Of course, I didn’t know he was a god when I married him. In fact, I hated him for marrying me. I never wanted to marry, but I suppose I lucked out that when I did I ended up loving my husband. I resented him, at first, this man I never saw except by dim firelight who came to my room for nothing more then a talk each night. Years went by before the talks turned into a marriage. But my logical brain could still never trust him. A man who would not give me his name or show me his face, yet he expected my loyalty still. I confess to breaking his only rule for me - I shined an oil lamp over his sleeping form to see his face. Can you blame any woman for the same?

For my doubt, he was taken from me and the story goes on like the poets say. I traveled the known world. I begged and bargained from gods and monsters. I faced the Underworld and retrieved a prize promised to my mother-in-law in exchange for the return of Eros. It’s there that the poets break from reality. They could never allow a woman to fault from her heroism for anything less than vanity. If you read the story now, it says I opened the gift for Aphrodite in order to keep a little of the beauty promised. The truth was much less about the “frailty of woman” and more my own logic getting the better of me.

Doubt is a nasty thing. If it’s crept into a mind once, it can do it again. The box was so light and made no noise when I shifted it I thought there was nothing within. I only peeked, opening the lid a crack to make certain about not about to had the goddess of Love an empty gift. Then the world of dark within the box engulfed me.

When woke up, Eros was arguing. I stood beside Hades who was presenting me to Zeus, the king of the gods, and a tribunal of his family. I couldn’t speak or move as if I were strapped to the ruler of the Underworld. Only my eyes followed the actions before me.

“She went through everything to rescue me. To get back to me!” Eros insisted.

“And for that you want her to be made a god?” Dionysus, the god of wine, scoffed.

“Why not?” Dionysus’s wife, Ariadne, loudly declared. “I was human and you made me a god. And I haven’t done half of the amazing things this girl has done. And you make gods of heroes often enough.”

Ares shook his spear in my direction. “She is no hero!”

Hephaestus, who I recognized from his club foot and leather apron, slammed his hammer to the floor. “She has accomplished more heroism than most of your mortal champions.”

Hera haughtily stormed away, grumbling, “Do what you like, but stop waving all of your weapons around.”

Many of the goddesses were on my side, save for Aphrodite. She watched everything proceed with a sweet smile. When Zeus declared I would be made a goddess, she moved to me, attempting to embrace me as her new daughter. As my arms and legs grew warm as Hades released me. Instead of the shapely arms of the most stunning of all goddesses, Eros stepped between us. He glared once at his mother before escorting me to a small circle of minor gods. Hephaestus clapped a muscled arm roughly around my shoulders. “You poor girl. You’re stuck with this husband for eternity.”

I didn’t mind that. I don’t mind being a goddess of soul. I don’t mind that every Valentine’s Day greeting cards display my husband as a diapered baby. What I do mind is my image used as a warning against Christian sin and womanly weakness. Love doesn’t always mean being vain and illogical. But most love stories are told by men.

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Eros & Psyche Part 2 Aphrodite

My son, Eros, has always been the sun at the center of my universe. He was a gorgeous and sweet baby. A true testament to my power. When he was grown, he had his pick of young nymphs, gods, and goddess to bestow his love upon. But what does he choose as his wife? A human. Thin. Manipulative yet somehow naive at the same time. Her young face still holding onto baby fat and other deformations of mortality.

And Eros chose her. He tried to hide her from me, his loving mother. He made a deal with her father while hiding in the shadows of MY TEMPLE, offering riches in-exchange for this girl’s chastity. As I understand, he saved her from a marriage to an angry land owner, a man whose first two wives died young. Why did he have to keep her? Why did he whisk her away to a secret home and visit her at night. And from what I understand, he married her in the darkness so she could never see his face.

What did they do on their clandestine nightly meetings? They talked. For the love of Cronus, they freaking talked! Mortals are not for talking to! They are messengers, heroes, and tools to be used as we gods desire. Not to form a deep personal connection to! It was literally years before they consummated their marriage. And it was some time after that when whispers at last reached me - my beloved son had a wife who even the immortals claimed was more beautiful than me. Something had to be done.

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Eros & Psyche Part 1 Eros

I was named for a Titan and given the role of a love god. Both of these facts are more of a joke than a fact. By my father, the god of war, I was too small and “pretty” to be powerful. My mother, the official goddess of love, coddled me when convenient, but had little use for me until I was old enough to praise her beauty. And Hera despised my birth, the symbol of Aphrodite unfaithfulness to her own son, Hephaestus. The other gods were ordered to ignore me. I must have been a very cute baby because Diana taught me to shoot a bow, Apollo taught me to play music, and Hestia taught me to create a home for myself. All behind Hera’s back.

Still, Hephaestus was the hero of my child’s heart. Starting from my toddler years, he would take me to his blacksmith’s shop and let me watch his work. He was the man who should have truly hated my existence. One day, when I was old enough to reach for his hammer and was reminded not to touch, I ask him why he liked me.

“I don’t like you. I just hate my mother more. Now keep working on those arrowheads.”

Besides the assurance that I was never wanted at the forge, I was trained to make my own arrows and sword. More importantly, I was trained to be clever. Under Hephaesuts’s instruction, I once tricked Hera into rubbing her face with a plant that turned her skin a bright blue. Thousands of years later, she still believes this was the fault Demeter. If you ever met Demeter, you would know that the punishment Hera doled out was totally justified.

When I reached an age that could be the equivalent of a teenage, my role on Mount Olympus went from secret pet to errand boy for my mother. She wished a fabulous weapon to be delivered to her latest human champion, designed by her distant husband. Naturally, Hephaestus created what she asked with an extra surprise. Every time this muscular man would wield his new spear, he would be both unbeatable and Aphrodite would see him as a giant goat wearing a gold diaper.

After I delivered this gift, I hid in my mother’s temple awaiting her champion to meet with her and anticipating hilarity. Instead, she entered. The most beautiful creature mankind had ever produced crouched alone. I listened as she prayed. Her father was going to sell her into marriage. She prayed for an escape. But her prayers were not average. They were logical and clever, practically bargaining with the gods. And it was then I knew I loved her.

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February: A Time for Love, Loss, & the Wraith of Ancient Gods!

In the month of February, in honor of that one holiday with all the red where people dress up- You know the one! The what’s-it-called? St. Valentine’s Day Massacre! Anyway, because that’s a thing, each week this month will feature a re-telling of the great Greek love story Eros and Psyche. Each part will be from a different character’s point of view and (disclaimer) there will be adult language and situations. It’s a Greek myth, after all. How can the Greek Gods do their thing without dirty language and a bit of PG bow-chicka-wow-wow. Enjoy!

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Writers! Here's how we exercise!

Okay fellow authors and fiction writers - let’s resolve to exercise! No, I don’t mean the gym or (gasp) going outside! I mean stretching out skill muscles. I confess that I stole this one from a creative writing teacher in high school.

Throughout the remainder of January, a public domain illustration or painting will be posted in this blog. Writers, make up your story or even just a concept for a story based upon the image. Write them in the comments below! Let’s share, review, and help each other to work out those gray matter wrinkles!

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Resvolve to Read about Resolutions

New Years Resolutions - who really keeps them? For example, here’s a resolution poem:

When I come to be old. 1699. Jonathan Swift

Not to marry a young Woman.
Not to keep young Company unless they reely desire it.
Not to be peevish or morose, or suspicious.
Not to scorn present Ways, or Wits, or Fashions, or Men, or War, &c.
Not to be fond of Children, or let them come near me hardly.
Not to tell the same story over and over to the same People.
Not to be covetous.
Not to neglect decency, or cleenlyness, for fear of falling into Nastyness.
Not to be over severe with young People, but give Allowances for their youthfull follyes and weaknesses.
Not to be influenced by, or give ear to knavish tatling servants, or others.
Not to be too free of advise, nor trouble any but those that desire it.
To desire some good Friends to inform me wch of these Resolutions I break, or neglect, and wherein; and reform accordingly.
Not to talk much, nor of my self.
Not to boast of my former beauty, or strength, or favor with Ladyes, &c.
Not to hearken to Flatteryes, nor conceive I can be beloved by a young woman, et eos qui hereditatem captant, odisse ac vitare.
Not to be positive or opiniative.
Not to sett up for observing all these Rules; for fear I should observe none.

I’m pretty sure that Swift didn’t keep any of that crap except not having kids. I prefer to think of resolutions as the great authors of the 19th Century looked upon them:

Oscar Wilde said, “Good resolutions are simply checks that men draw on a bank where they have no account.”

or Mark Twain who stated, “New Year's Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”

But not Henry Ward Beecher who had this to say, “Every man should be born again on the first day of January. Start with a fresh page. Take up one hole more in the buckle if necessary, or let down one, according to circumstances; but on the first of January let every man gird himself once more, with his face to the front, and take no interest in the things that were and are past.” He should have worked on not having so many mistresses and learned to gird himself in other ways.

My point is that if you’re going to take part in an archaic tradition that doesn’t really mean much besides dieting for two weeks then giving up, I say we return to the ancient ways of New Year’s Resolutions. When midnight comes on December 31 and moves us into January 1, step outside. Tilt your head to the sky. Take a deep breath. And shout your promises to ancient Babylonian gods who will smite you if you break them. You want to keep those resolutions - just keep telling yourself that if you break them the deity Marduk will have you slowly devoured by his pet dragon.

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In Defense of Gremlins as a Christmas movie

Brief History: The year - 1984. The place - that same Universal backlot where they filmed Back to the Future and Gilmore Girls. The thing - a heartwarming tale of a young man and his cuddly pet during the holiday season. The result - the Mandalorian (no seriously, think about it). I’m not going to give away this beloved cult classic, but know that both horror and hilarity ensue in this adventure film from the time when kids movies were fantastically dark. And yes, it’s a Christmas movie.

Analysis: Yes, Virginia. It is a Christmas movie. It is about the magic of giving (which includes feeding creatures after midnight) and the joy of helping others. And Snow White. Disney and Christmas can check off a lot of the same boxes. It even has a message for those alone in a bar on Christmas Day and how they can drive away the loneliness with puppets. There is a lesson about understanding of what is best for those you love . . . and what is not so great for your small town’s electrical appliances. And of course, the eternal message - don’t buy your kids pets unless they are ready. A Mogwai is forever not just for Christmas

Blame it on the 80s: Okay, so I only have one blame - what was up with Phoebe Cates’s Santa Claus story. But. . . still Christmasy so . . . at least it backs up my argument. Man. 80s kids movies were intense. I miss them.

Final Thoughts: Gizmo - Mogwai - BRIGHT LIGHTS - Neat! Also, if you mention Gremlins 2 in my presence, you will coal shoved up your . . . stocking.

Images are property of Warner Bros (please don’t sue me)

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As this is an early draft, please excuse typos.

            “Once upon a time” -             When the Maya Creators made the world and the animals, they quickly became disheartened because there was no one around to admire their work.  Therefore, they decided to make Man.  The first prototypes were crude mud people that were too stupid to talk or take care of themselves.  The Creators decided they wanted Man to be able to verbally praise them, so they tried again, this time creating Man out of sticks.  They were slightly smarter, but cruel.  The animals rebelled against the stick men, drowning them in sap until they melded into a new animal - monkeys.

            At last, a mountain cat, a coyote, a crow, and a parrot went to the Creators and suggested that they try making Man from maize in order to give them brains. The Creators mashed up enough corn meal to make four men and four women who were exactly what they always wanted in human beings.  The First Fathers and First Mothers were grateful, intelligent, and too perfect.  The Creators then worried that Man would grow more powerful than them.  They used a mist to make certain Man could not see as clearly, but still believe they were intelligent.

            And that was the start of human’s always thinking they were smart, but really being dumb.

Peoria, Arizona

December 20, 2012

            The ending credits rolled and the Saturday crowd filed from the screening room.  I stayed, waiting for the names and various jobs to finish dancing from the camera lens behind me.  I muttered the information under my breath, wanting to see which names held power.

            “Jerry Banner, human.  Kasey Swartz, human.  Oh, Joe Wentz.”  I felt a little dip in my stomach and said the name a second time to double check.  “Joe Wentz.”  My stomach bottomed out once again and I nodded with reassurance.  “What is your job, Joe?”  I caught his occupation before his name disappeared to the top of the screen.  “Best boy?  You can’t be very powerful or you’d have a better job.”

            A disembodied woman’s voice replied in a hushed tone, “Joe Wentz is an elemental. Earth.”

            As the last of the credits rolled and the pop song faded, I rose out of my seat. My feet stuck to the floor as I walked from the row.  “And he’s working on an apocalyptic picture? Lame.”

            “You’re the one watching it,” the woman’s voice scoffed.

            The voice went silent as I passed a pair of teenagers waiting at the bottom of the stairs with a trash bin and brooms.  “Have a good day,” one with severe acne said to me with the sarcastic cheerfulness typical of a thankless job.  He was new and obviously not too keen on his duties.

            “See you on Tuesday,” the second teenager told me.  I recognized him as one of the higher-ups on the food chain, probably in charge of training the new recruit.

            I grunted at him and kept walking.  As I was almost out the door, I heard the trainer whisper to the pizza face newbie, “That’s the one I was telling you about.  She’s in here about three days a week.  Sometimes she comes and sees three or four movies in a row.  She’s always alone.”

            “She’s kinda hot.  Does she go to our school?” Pizza Face asked hopefully.  I shuddered at the thought before escaping out to the lobby.

            An elderly couple stood near the concession stand and I felt the pit in my stomach once again.  They were watching me. They were Latino, probably someplace in South America.  She was petite and round, not fat, just carried a plumpness in her face and calves, giving her the friendly appearance of a grandma. I almost wanted to ask her for a piece of hard candy. Long silver hair was half pinned in a bun atop her head with a few locks free to rest against her loose fitting yellow dress. 

            The man with her noticed me watching, offering a sharp look. The age showing in his wrinkled face did not affect his imposing posture. He wore brown slacks and a white shirt.  A beaded necklace sat close to his throat. Setting his arm across the woman’s shoulders, they turned away from me.

            “Xmucane and Xpiyacoc,” the woman’s voice explained from my pocket, sensing the old couple’s presence.

            “Yeah, I know.”  I wondered what the pair of Mayan creation gods were doing at a movie theatre in Arizona, but kept my curiosity to myself.

            “You going to go talk to them?” the voice asked as her subtle way of saying, “You should go talk to them.”
            “Nope.  None of my business.  And they were nice enough to leave me alone. I think I’ll respect that decision.”  Pivoting around toward the exit, I could sense the annoyance of the voice and added a quick, “Whatever you have to say, keep it to yourself.  I just want to get Phil and go home.  There’s an ‘Alf’ marathon on tonight on that retro TV channel.”

            “Oh yes, because the cat eating alien puppet is so much more important than finding out why Meso-American gods are hanging out in the same city you live in,” the voice pestered.

            “Hey, hey, cat eating alien puppet with his own talk show.  You’re always saying I should take more stock in contemporary culture.”

            “Alf is not contemporary.”