Parenthood is marked with many awkward moments. Most of which will be completely unique to you and your offspring. However, there is one unifying experience that happens to be the absolute most awkward conversation that you’ll ever have with your spawn. It’s explaining to your kid exactly how they came to be. No, I’m not talking about the absurd stories with storks, cabbages, or rainy night doorstep deliveries. I mean the nitty gritty purely carnal story.
Usually this sordid conversation happens around the time when puberty hits your spawn. All of the changes that happen in the pubescent years really make the ‘talk’ relevant. After all, things are morphing those small humans into bigger humans and with all the hormones happening. . . well you get the idea.
So how do you even have this strange conversation? Never fear. Uncle Azra is here with tips on how to make this inevitable uncomfortable conversation easier on you. Your kid, however, is on their own.
1. Timing is everything. In order to ensure your spawn’s full, undivided attention, it is best to catch them by surprise. Sideline them when they are on their way out the door, break into their room when they are sleeping and wake them up with an air horn. If they are not prepared for the talk, they can’t find a way out of it.
2. Never underestimate the use of visual aides. These can be anything from pre-printed diagrams, educational videos, paid actors, puppets, really your imagination is the limit. Studies have shown that visual representation makes the talk go smoother. It also gives you somewhere to look besides the horrified expression of your offspring.
3. Highlight and exaggerate the consequences of fornication. What we don’t want is the kids to use this information and start acting on it. Oh no, that would just engender mass chaos. No. We must be sure they understand that their actions most definitely have consequences. They kiss someone? Automatic Herpes. Get to third base? Risk of pregnancy. Heck, if they touch themselves, perpetuate the myth that they will go blind. It’s just going to make them more cautious.
4. To really drive your point home, outline additional punishments and/ or activities. If they have a date, make them carry around a remote control baby doll. If you have the remote, make it cry, spit up, etc at the most intimate points of the date. Make them watch home birth videos to ensure they won’t want to procreate until they are a little older. Give their dates contraceptives upon meeting them. If you can, wink at them.
Above all, when having the talk, be as descriptive and detailed as possible. You’ll want to skim over some of the more salacious points, but don’t. Trust me. The more vivid you can make this, the more traumatizing it will be and, therefore, more effective.
***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.
*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*