Azra’s Illustrated Guide to (Bad) Parenting

Well my faithful internet dwellers, it’s been awhile. I know you’ve missed my wisdom, but I promise my absence has been for a good cause. You see, I’ve been working on a project that has demanded quite a bit of my attention of late. It’s a rare opportunity that I’ve seized upon and have been lucky enough to finally complete.

In my absence from you, I’ve been compiling some of my more poignant advice on the subject of child rearing.

That’s right! Step aside, Dr. Spock. I, Azra, am taking your place as resident baby genius with the official release of my illustrated guide to parenting.

How to raise human offsping is often a controversial and contentious topic. No more! The illustrated guide will ensure that you steer your little monsters into the correct direction. Win the game of parenting with insider information only an exiled angel could give. With illustrations graciously created by the one and only Kylara Griffis (@perpetual_artistry), this comic-style guide is truly one of a kind.

Just in time for Mother’s Day, you can own the best parenting advice you’ll ever have the privilege of knowing in a convenient, easy to read book.

The whole purpose of procreation is to perpetuate the human race. Without the right guidance, all of that effort to incubate the little terrors will be wasted when they are ruined by horrific, antiquated parenting advice. For the sake of all of the human race, pick up a copy now for everyone you know who have children, could have children, or even just be around children occasionally and be the first wave of the new parenting future. Azra’s Illustrated Guide to (Bad) Parenting is only available at fivesmilingfish.com/shop/.

Read On!

Azra

Having the “Talk”— A Strategy for the Most Awkward Conversation You’ll Ever Have

Parenthood is marked with many awkward moments. Most of which will be completely unique to you and your offspring. However, there is one unifying experience that happens to be the absolute most awkward conversation that you’ll ever have with your spawn. It’s explaining to your kid exactly how they came to be. No, I’m not talking about the absurd stories with storks, cabbages, or rainy night doorstep deliveries. I mean the nitty gritty purely carnal story.

Usually this sordid conversation happens around the time when puberty hits your spawn. All of the changes that happen in the pubescent years really make the ‘talk’ relevant. After all, things are morphing those small humans into bigger humans and with all the hormones happening. . . well you get the idea.

So how do you even have this strange conversation? Never fear. Uncle Azra is here with tips on how to make this inevitable uncomfortable conversation easier on you. Your kid, however, is on their own.

1.       Timing is everything. In order to ensure your spawn’s full, undivided attention, it is best to catch them by surprise. Sideline them when they are on their way out the door, break into their room when they are sleeping and wake them up with an air horn. If they are not prepared for the talk, they can’t find a way out of it.

2.       Never underestimate the use of visual aides. These can be anything from pre-printed diagrams, educational videos, paid actors, puppets, really your imagination is the limit. Studies have shown that visual representation makes the talk go smoother. It also gives you somewhere to look besides the horrified expression of your offspring.

3.       Highlight and exaggerate the consequences of fornication. What we don’t want is the kids to use this information and start acting on it. Oh no, that would just engender mass chaos. No. We must be sure they understand that their actions most definitely have consequences.  They kiss someone? Automatic Herpes. Get to third base? Risk of pregnancy. Heck, if they touch themselves, perpetuate the myth that they will go blind. It’s just going to make them more cautious.

4.       To really drive your point home, outline additional punishments and/ or activities. If they have a date, make them carry around a remote control baby doll. If you have the remote, make it cry, spit up, etc at the most intimate points of the date. Make them watch home birth videos to ensure they won’t want to procreate until they are a little older. Give their dates contraceptives upon meeting them. If you can, wink at them.

Above all, when having the talk, be as descriptive and detailed as possible. You’ll want to skim over some of the more salacious points, but don’t. Trust me. The more vivid you can make this, the more traumatizing it will be and, therefore, more effective.

Happy Educating!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

How to Infect Your Spawn with Deadly Diseases So They Can Live

One of the biggest parenting controversies of this day and age is whether or not to vaccinate your offspring.

For those of you that don’t know what vaccines are (I’ll be honest, I had to look it up too), it is injecting babies with weakened versions of serious diseases so their tiny immune systems learn how to kill them. It’s like building up an immunity to iocane powder. Take a little bit at a time until your body can handle it.

There are two sides to this whole concept. Either you are for shooting up your child with science created magic disease water or you are willing to let millions of unvaccinated kids (as well as your own) die along the way.

Science has created an impressive amount of vaccines, such as for measles, mumps, the flu, polio, and scarlet fever to name a few. Some suspect that along with these lifesaving medicines, they have also inadvertently caused problems such as autism, Down syndrome, and gluten intolerance.

It goes without saying that you humans get quite impassioned about the subject. I’ve rarely seen anything more divisive in the parenting world.

So what is a conscientious parent supposed to do? It just so happens that there is a middle ground between two very extreme answers to the vaccine question. It’s something that has been done for centuries with mixed results.

Infect your child, but not by giving them shots of lab generated chemicals. Oh no. Infect them the way nature intended by exposing them to all sorts of ill people. Here on some tips on properly infecting your offspring:

1.       Make them be around sick people— a lot. The more exposure they have to the ill, the more diseases they will contract and then become immune to.

2.       Don’t let them wash their hands. Washing hands kills more germs than anything. If the goal is to infect them, best not to let them at the soap.

3.       Take a trip to the CDC and snatch some of the more infectious diseases. Let’s face it, most people nowadays only get the flu on a regular basis. To make sure your child is vaccinated against the most deadly and infectious diseases, go right to the source and rub them all over the kid.

4.       If the hospital or the CDC won’t let your little terror in with the super sick people, there is an alternative; let them play with biohazard waste. I’m not saying let them romp in the sewers, rather, let them fiddle with old band aids, used tissues, or cough rags from the infirm.

However you infect your child, be sure to give them plenty of time to build up those antibodies. It may also be a good idea to keep a cure for all the diseases, just in case your little walking snot rag is defective. Also, remember all of that hand sanitizer I suggested you get? Make sure you use it yourself while you are vaccinating!

Vaccinate!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*