The Terror of Teething; Is Chewing Food Really That Important?

Let’s talk about teething. Next to potty training, teething is the worst time to be a parent. As some quirk of the human anatomy and development, you humans don't just teethe once. Oh no. You things teethe several times throughout your life, with varying degrees of success and discomfort. 

The first time is when you're a baby; a small writhing thing on the brink of toddlerhood. You can't communicate except for screeching, though scientists have yet to prove those noises are any sort of actual language. But that's another blog post. If all the crying and tears are to be believed, teething hurts.

A scant few years later, once you survive the initial protrusion of dentin and enamel through your soft gum tissue, your mouth is full to capacity with chompers. You know what happens then? They. Fall. Out. And the process starts all over again.  

It’s complete madness!

So how do you handle teething at all stages of your spawn’s development? Here are six simple tips that should help:

1.      Get a large bottle of the alcohol of your choosing. The stronger the better. You can share it with your little shark baby whenever the pain gets too much. The alcohol serves as a pain killer for them and it just makes the whole situation better for you. Drink up.

2.      Don’t let them chew on things; this has been proven to aggravate and even delay the process of the tooth breaking through the surface of the gums.

3.      Drool is the lubricant for the incoming tooth. The more drool the better. Just be sure to place your miniature faucet over plastic for easy clean up.

4.      Don’t let your offspring have hard foods. This goes hand in hand with the chewing on things. Keep them to warm liquids and mushy foods until they are done teething- no matter if they are babies or mini adults or even in their advanced age.

5.      Teething is contagious, like yawning. If one child in the playgroup starts teething, the rest of them will. If you suspect your clone is around a teether, remove them from the situation as soon as possible. If yours is teething, be respectful of other parents and quarantine them until the teething is done.

6.      Bypass the teething process altogether- invest in dental surgery to remove the tooth growing parts of your offspring’s mouth. This alternative can be expensive, but it may just be worth the price of the dentures on your sanity if we have to wait for evolution to take care of this teeth problem.

Good luck and happy teething!


***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the globe, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*