Bribery for Behavior Part Two- When to Blackmail Your Child

Blackmail is the practice of making people do what you want by threatening to expose a secret or something they’ve done to others. Many people get quite a lot of money this way. I say, why stop at mere money? Why not use it as a way to get your child to behave?

Warning: this does require quite a bit of planning before any expected reward. Patience is key. Here are three simple steps to get you started:

1.      Gather evidence of embarrassing outfits and situations. Dress your child up in ridiculous clothing. Stage compromising scenarios.

2.      Through the child’s life, allude to some terrible secret that would completely ruin the kid’s life forever. Really make them paranoid and fearful of anyone finding out. Make them convinced that thing you have evidence of is the epitome of shame.

3.      Any time the child acts up, threaten to tell the world about the embarrassing behavior/scenario.

The results of this process are amazing. Obviously it isn’t effective for children who don’t understand the concept of shame (seven and under, I’ve found), but it does work fantastically on those obnoxious teenagers. The trick is to plan early and execute knowing you’ll need this evidence later.

If you didn’t have the foresight to manufacture your blackmail material, you can always trick them into giving up a terrible secret. There’s also the rumor mill approach where you can threaten to start a devastating rumor about them in their chosen social circles.

Really, there are many options to choose from. Believe me, it works.

Happy Blackmailing!


***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the globe, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*