Know Your Kid: Step 1 In the Prevention of Super Villains

Sun Tzu once paraphrased the term “Know Thine Enemy” in his bestselling novel The Art of War. It’s a very sage piece of advice. I’m not saying outright that your rugrat is the enemy, all I’m saying is that it is best to be prepared for all eventualities. Super villains happen and if you’re not careful, your kid could end up as one of them.

Understanding how your little terror thinks and how they will react in certain situations is key to not only controlling them, but knowing which side of the good/evil coin they fall on. There’s an added bonus of your mini-you being easier to get along with as long as you are pulling the strings. Not to mention it will get you the fast track to Super Hero status if your spawn turned out to be one of the 37% of humans that are evil.

Really, let’s be honest, this is about the Super Hero status.

So, how do you get to know your offspring to the point of being able to predict their actions and thought processes?

Never fear, newbie parents! I shall teach you.

·         Spy on them. In today’s world of technology, it is a simple thing to set up cameras to watch your youngling’s every move. With how discreet they are, there’s no way the kid will even know you’re watching.

·         Ask them personal questions, preferably when they aren’t prepared for them. You’ll get a more honest answer when you wake them up at 2 a.m. than you would during a normal conversation in the day.

·         Have a cadre of informants that observe your offspring. Ideally, these would be people that have daily contact with your child. It could be the owner of the shop they stop in on the way to school, the parent helper in the classroom, even the homeless guy wandering the neighborhood. For a small bribe, anyone can be your eyes.

·         Constantly test your child for their evil quotient. There are various ways of doing this, the most obvious and common is purposefully putting your child in situations that are morally ambiguous. Like planting wallet in the middle of their path or having a stranger ask for assistance. Record what they do and refer back often. Sometimes you may need to repeat the test when your child is in different moods.

·         Along with testing for their evil quotient, also test them for their weaknesses. How long can they hold their breath? Do they have an allergy to certain bugs or plants? How electrically conducive are they? All are valid questions when it comes to knowing what will take them out should the time come.

Remember to start early these things early. The older your little monster gets, the more closed off and devious they become. If you begin these practices at infancy, they won’t realize just how much they give away and their super villain tendencies will be revealed sooner rather than later.

Keep your capes handy!


***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*