Oh, the most dreaded time in every parenthood: Puberty.
To be clear, it is the offspring that goes through puberty, not the parents, but the parents still have to deal with it. It’s the time where your cute, adorable offspring morph into irrational, ridiculous, terrors that are new teenagers. What should be a time of rejoicing (it signifies the near end to your 18 year responsibility) is really a time of frustration, attitude, and acne.
Over the last two weeks, I’ve described the several ways to spot the happening of puberty in both male and female spawn. This week’s blog of parental wisdom is about how to survive the change in one piece.
There is not a word in the human tongue that can accurately convey the sheer horror of this time in your species growth cycle. This is the tipping point where your offspring can go one of two ways, either down the path of righteousness and light or along the underbelly of civilization in utter darkness.
Remember that the kids won’t pay the slightest bit of attention to you during this time; they’ll be purely self-absorbed through this whole process so feel free to go all out and do what you have to do in order to survive.
1. Use indirect communication channels. The last thing you want to do is actually talk to your offspring during this fragile, yet volatile time. Hire someone to do it for you. Preferably some sort of unfeeling monster. Or a terminator.
2. Understand that your spawn will do anything and everything to push your boundaries and your limits. Once you accept that, it’s easier to imagine or guess what their next move will be.
3. Become more creative with your punishments for misbehavior. Remember, your spawn is extra sensitive about their changing appearance. Between that and their erratic emotions, you’ll have plenty of ammunition for creative punishments. Example: forbid them from using face wash or deodorant. If they can’t keep their room clean, then they should reflect that same slovenliness in their outward appearance.
4. Take this opportunity to take a vacation from parenting. Let your spawn figure out this puberty stuff on their own. It’ll be less intense if you only have to deal with the aftermath.
However you deal with the dreaded puberty, know that this terrible time will pass. When it does, you’ll be one step closer to the end of your 18 year sentence for procreation.
Is that a zit on your face?
***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.
*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*