Puberty Part 2: Girl Spawn

Oh, the most dreaded time in every parenthood: Puberty.

To be clear, it is the offspring that goes through puberty, not the parents, but the parents still have to deal with it.  It’s the time where your cute, adorable offspring morph into irrational, ridiculous, terrors that are new teenagers. What should be a time of rejoicing (it signifies the near end to your 18 year responsibility) is really a time of frustration, attitude, and acne.

How will you know your little monster is going through “the change”? Never fear, I will be going through not only how to spot these changes in your spawn, but also on how to deal with them.

Last week we discussed the changes that occur in male offspring. Now, we are going to shed some light on the pubescence of girl spawn. While there are striking similarities between human female and male puberty, it would be a mistake to point that out to each of them. So, to avoid the sullen grudge-filled death glares, here is how to spot puberty in girls.

1.       The most obvious change is the development of mammary glands. Usually this happens on the front of the chest.

2.       Similarly to the boys, girls also start growing more body hair. While it isn’t as all-encompassing as the male body hair, it is noticeable.

3.       In addition to growing more during puberty, girls often gain weight and their body changes shape. It’s not to the extent of being a shapeshifter, but it is close.

4.       Like their male counterparts, girls also get acne, however they are more adept at camouflaging their blemishes with makeup.

5.       Now, for the real difference; puberty is when girls learn how to bleed for days on end without dying. The exact mechanics of how this works is a complete mystery even to modern day science. To keep up this practice, girls must go through this event at least once a month for the next forty years or so. During their “time” it is best to keep down wind and off their radar as much as possible.

6.       Along with the whole bleeding and not dying, naturally come mood swings. If you thought the ones with boys were bad, you haven’t seen nothing yet! Girls perfect mood swings to an art form. Puberty is when they learn this. You have been warned.

Now that we’ve gone over the signs of change for both parties, next week, we will discuss survival tactics that you can employ to ensure you make it out of puberty alive.

Proud Puberty Survivor,


***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*