Oh, the most dreaded time in every parenthood: Puberty.

To be clear, it is the offspring that goes through puberty, not the parents, but the parents still have to deal with it. It’s the time where your cute, adorable offspring morph into irrational, ridiculous, terrors that are new teenagers. What should be a time of rejoicing (it signifies the near end to your 18 year responsibility) is really a time of frustration, attitude, and acne.

How will you know your little monster is going through “the change”? Never fear, I will be going through not only how to spot these changes in your spawn, but also on how to deal with them.

Last week we discussed the changes that occur in male offspring. Now, we are going to shed some light on the pubescence of girl spawn. While there are striking similarities between human female and male puberty, it would be a mistake to point that out to each of them. So, to avoid the sullen grudge-filled death glares, here is how to spot puberty in girls.

1. The most obvious change is the development of mammary glands. Usually this happens on the front of the chest.

2. Similarly to the boys, girls also start growing more body hair. While it isn’t as all-encompassing as the male body hair, it is noticeable.

3. In addition to growing more during puberty, girls often gain weight and their body changes shape. It’s not to the extent of being a shapeshifter, but it is close.

4. Like their male counterparts, girls also get acne, however they are more adept at camouflaging their blemishes with makeup.

5. Now, for the real difference; puberty is when girls learn how to bleed for days on end without dying. The exact mechanics of how this works is a complete mystery even to modern day science. To keep up this practice, girls must go through this event at least once a month for the next forty years or so. During their “time” it is best to keep down wind and off their radar as much as possible.

6. Along with the whole bleeding and not dying, naturally come mood swings. If you thought the ones with boys were bad, you haven’t seen nothing yet! Girls perfect mood swings to an art form. Puberty is when they learn this. You have been warned.

Now that we’ve gone over the signs of change for both parties, next week, we will discuss survival tactics that you can employ to ensure you make it out of puberty alive.

Proud Puberty Survivor,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Oh, the most dreaded time in every parenthood: Puberty.

How will you know your little monster is going through “the change”? Never fear, I will be going through not only how to spot these changes in your spawn, but also on how to deal with them.

First up though, how to spot puberty in your boy spawn.

1. Excretion of bodily fluids. Around this tender age, boys will start to leak in unexpected ways. Whether it be through copious amounts of sweat or nocturnal emissions, be prepared with lots of towels and fabric soap.

2. Oh the smell. Boys will start to stink. They won’t necessarily have to do anything to waft their newly formed noxious body odor. From what I can tell, they just have to be in the general area and their smell will knock you out. Arm yourself with lots of deodorant, spray air freshener, cologne, and nose plugs.

3. Body hair increases. Before you worry about your son becoming the legendary Bigfoot, understand that an abundance of body hair happens around puberty. How you suggest they handle it is up to you; teach them to shave or teach them to braid.

4. They grow... a lot. Puberty is the time of the most growth your child will ever do in their lifetime. They compensate for it by sleeping and eating a ridiculous amount. Between the hair and the sleeping patterns, it is easy to mistake your offspring for a bear. Don’t worry though, this is normal. If you are worried though, you can abandon them in the woods and let them wander home when they are through the worst of it.

5. This is the time where their voice cracks. Try not to laugh when it happens. It only enrages them.

6. Mood swings are a common occurrence. They will also have bouts of low self-esteem, aggression, depression, and insecurities, which, if you play your cards right, and know how to effectively use guilt (see previous blog post), you can make these emotions work for you.

Next week we will delve into the mysterious girl spawn and the signs of their pubescence.

Proud Puberty Survivor,

Azra

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

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