Poisoning Your Offspring the Right Way: Nutrition for Modern Times

There is one major tell that indicates exactly where you are in your parenting journey and that is what you feed your spawn.

A trend over the last few decades is for new parents to focus on whole, organic, non-processed foods as the only source of nutrition for their little garbage disposals.

I cannot stress enough how misinformed and just plain wrong that approach is.

Thankfully, it seems that the more offspring parents have, the more they come to their senses and stop feeding their children “healthy” options.

It’s simple, people. If all you expose your progeny to is organic, non-modified food, they will have absolutely no way to cope with the imminent threats of climate change and the ever pervasive chemical farming techniques that are influencing the food supply. If they can’t adapt to the changing environment, they will die and then you lose at parenting. We don’t want losers— just winners.

The idea is poison them early and often.

So, how can a concerned parent achieve this when they are constantly bombarded with “healthy choices”? It takes dedication and perseverance, but here are some tips to help your mini you survive the impending destruction of the world.

1.       Understand healthy buzzwords so you can avoid them. These words include but are not limited to: healthy, smart, choice, light, alternative, free, whole, organic, fresh, real, non-fat, all natural, non GMO, and free range.

2.       Make sure your food has a label and read them. The key here is the more ingredients the better. Each food option should have at least 10 ingredients, bonus points if most of those ingredients are unpronounceable.

3.       Fast food is an underrated option for making sure your little one is chemically up to par with the changing times. Aim for hitting up the fried, pink slime burgers at least once a day.

4.       Always choose pre-packaged over making things from scratch. If you are into the whole cooking thing, consider instead of dicing and peeling those potatoes by hand, buy a frozen lasagna dinner instead. It will save time, prep work, and dishes as well as give the added benefit of a chemical cornucopia!

5.       Remember, you are what you eat. Choose foods that don’t occur naturally in the wild and that would have a shelf life of years rather than days.

While these tips certainly don’t cover all the ways to correctly poison your child, they will start you on the right path to make sure your young has what it takes to survive whatever comes next.

Chomp On!


***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*