How to Infect Your Spawn with Deadly Diseases So They Can Live

One of the biggest parenting controversies of this day and age is whether or not to vaccinate your offspring.

For those of you that don’t know what vaccines are (I’ll be honest, I had to look it up too), it is injecting babies with weakened versions of serious diseases so their tiny immune systems learn how to kill them. It’s like building up an immunity to iocane powder. Take a little bit at a time until your body can handle it.

There are two sides to this whole concept. Either you are for shooting up your child with science created magic disease water or you are willing to let millions of unvaccinated kids (as well as your own) die along the way.

Science has created an impressive amount of vaccines, such as for measles, mumps, the flu, polio, and scarlet fever to name a few. Some suspect that along with these lifesaving medicines, they have also inadvertently caused problems such as autism, Down syndrome, and gluten intolerance.

It goes without saying that you humans get quite impassioned about the subject. I’ve rarely seen anything more divisive in the parenting world.

So what is a conscientious parent supposed to do? It just so happens that there is a middle ground between two very extreme answers to the vaccine question. It’s something that has been done for centuries with mixed results.

Infect your child, but not by giving them shots of lab generated chemicals. Oh no. Infect them the way nature intended by exposing them to all sorts of ill people. Here on some tips on properly infecting your offspring:

1.       Make them be around sick people— a lot. The more exposure they have to the ill, the more diseases they will contract and then become immune to.

2.       Don’t let them wash their hands. Washing hands kills more germs than anything. If the goal is to infect them, best not to let them at the soap.

3.       Take a trip to the CDC and snatch some of the more infectious diseases. Let’s face it, most people nowadays only get the flu on a regular basis. To make sure your child is vaccinated against the most deadly and infectious diseases, go right to the source and rub them all over the kid.

4.       If the hospital or the CDC won’t let your little terror in with the super sick people, there is an alternative; let them play with biohazard waste. I’m not saying let them romp in the sewers, rather, let them fiddle with old band aids, used tissues, or cough rags from the infirm.

However you infect your child, be sure to give them plenty of time to build up those antibodies. It may also be a good idea to keep a cure for all the diseases, just in case your little walking snot rag is defective. Also, remember all of that hand sanitizer I suggested you get? Make sure you use it yourself while you are vaccinating!

Vaccinate!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Fostering Responsibility Part 1: Cleaning is for Kids

Part of being a successful human is the ability to take responsibility for yourself, to pull your own weight in society. There is also a time honored tradition to get someone else to handle that shit so you don’t have to.  If you have kids, then you can kill two birds with one stone: teach them to be responsible by shirking your own duties.

How, you ask? It’s a rather simple concept called delegation. Even though it is easy, depending on how you execute the plan, the outcomes will vary—meaning you can either choose to teach your offspring the things you will delegate or just give it to them and have confidence they will figure it out along the way.

The spin depends on what sort of emotional trauma you want to inflict on your spawn.

So. What kind of things can you comfortably delegate to your little one? My initial answer is everything and anything, but for those of you who lack imagination, there will be a few different posts on the sorts of things you can delegate to your spawn and what sort of reaction they evoke. 

Today’s delegation topic is maid duty.

Many parents already have modified versions of this with chore charts and the like. It’s a good start, but it should be amped up. Taking out the garbage is one thing, but the kid should also know the ins and outs of recycling, landscaping upkeep (bonus points for winter and summer gardens), bathroom sanitizing, dish scrubbing and polishing, floor maintenance, and dust removal, to name a few. Now, I’m not talking about the once a week you have to do this and go about your merry way, sort of maid duty. I’m talking daily-get-the-rubber-gloves-out kind of detailed cleaning. If you can’t see your reflection in your baseboards, the kid isn’t trying hard enough.

There’s also some question as to how young parents can start their offspring on doing chores. My response is, if they can hold a rag, they can clean.

Don’t take it easy on them. Little humans are springy and resilient. They can crawl under houses and exterminate rats. They can re-shingle a roof. They can repair garage doors.

The best part is that you can let them learn all about responsibility by letting them take on yours.

Smart parenting right there.

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Poisoning Your Offspring the Right Way: Nutrition for Modern Times

There is one major tell that indicates exactly where you are in your parenting journey and that is what you feed your spawn.

A trend over the last few decades is for new parents to focus on whole, organic, non-processed foods as the only source of nutrition for their little garbage disposals.

I cannot stress enough how misinformed and just plain wrong that approach is.

Thankfully, it seems that the more offspring parents have, the more they come to their senses and stop feeding their children “healthy” options.

It’s simple, people. If all you expose your progeny to is organic, non-modified food, they will have absolutely no way to cope with the imminent threats of climate change and the ever pervasive chemical farming techniques that are influencing the food supply. If they can’t adapt to the changing environment, they will die and then you lose at parenting. We don’t want losers— just winners.

The idea is poison them early and often.

So, how can a concerned parent achieve this when they are constantly bombarded with “healthy choices”? It takes dedication and perseverance, but here are some tips to help your mini you survive the impending destruction of the world.

1.       Understand healthy buzzwords so you can avoid them. These words include but are not limited to: healthy, smart, choice, light, alternative, free, whole, organic, fresh, real, non-fat, all natural, non GMO, and free range.

2.       Make sure your food has a label and read them. The key here is the more ingredients the better. Each food option should have at least 10 ingredients, bonus points if most of those ingredients are unpronounceable.

3.       Fast food is an underrated option for making sure your little one is chemically up to par with the changing times. Aim for hitting up the fried, pink slime burgers at least once a day.

4.       Always choose pre-packaged over making things from scratch. If you are into the whole cooking thing, consider instead of dicing and peeling those potatoes by hand, buy a frozen lasagna dinner instead. It will save time, prep work, and dishes as well as give the added benefit of a chemical cornucopia!

5.       Remember, you are what you eat. Choose foods that don’t occur naturally in the wild and that would have a shelf life of years rather than days.

While these tips certainly don’t cover all the ways to correctly poison your child, they will start you on the right path to make sure your young has what it takes to survive whatever comes next.

Chomp On!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*