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To the vacuum cleaner - you suck!
To the dishes in the sink - you make me feel dirty.
To the laundry – you mock me with many mismatched socks and symbols of oppression aka pants!
To the cats – you are so fluffy, I’m gonna die!
To the TV – why can’t I quit you?
As I work on the 2nd draft of my vampire/adventure novel, I am presenting a part of my playlist for this work of fiction. Pease note, I am not in association with any of these artists and I do not own any of these songs. I am also not technically promoting nor do I work for any of the mentioned artists. These songs are for you to find and listen to at your own leisure or not. Up to you. *In other words: No one sue me, please and thank you.
1. “Cherry Bomb” performed by the Runaways
All playlists should have one kick-butt, strong female anthem. It might seem like a cliché, but sometimes you just need some late 70’s rock to get a character’s butt in gear.
2. “Classy Girls” performed by the Lumineers
If one doesn’t have a 30s standard or jazz piece in a writing playlist, chances are folk rock will fill the void. “Classy Girls” is also a good response to Cherry Bomb. All rebellions need a little reminder of respectable behavior when the time calls for it.
3. “I Hung my Head” performed by Johnny Cash
This is a soulful, emotional tale of violence and remorse which helps fuel the backstory of one particular character. Some characters just crave angst.
4. “Blank Space/Style” cover performed by Louisa Wendoff ft. Devin Dawson
What? I know it’s a cover of two Taylor Swift songs! It totally fits with something in the book. I can like a Taylor Swift cover if I want. Stop judging me!
5. “Lucy’s Party” composed by Wojciech Kilar from the Bram Stoker’s Dracula score
I have no logical explanation for this choice.
6. “Diplomat’s Son” performed by Vampire Weekend
Again, just a good song. No specific theme here at all . . . nope. None.
7. “Vampires in Blue Dresses” performed by Margot and the Nuclear So-So’s
“Vampires” is in the title and it’s a good song. Get off my back!
Note: Miranda is a currently unpublished character from an upcoming paranormal fantasy book called Whitby Secrets (coming soon from FSF Publications). Look for more blogs from her and other characters from this novel as the year progresses.
Dear Melanie,
Damn. I wish I could answer you through e-mail, but Dad says the content could be intercepted by Nos hackers. Yes. My father now is convinced that nosferatus are trying to put viruses on vampire hunters’ computers. I tried to point out that they could just as easily go through our physical mail, but whatever.
You asked me about what I’ve been doing at the gym to keep my staking arm in shape. I assume this means that Uncle Reinold is going to take you out for your first hunt soon. Congratulations!
Personally, I use a hatchet more than a stake. Still, knowing how to handle a stake is important so here’s what I do to keep in shape. First, I jump into the rafters of our ceiling and do about forty to eighty chin-ups on this old beam. Apparently, this what generations of our family did through the decades. If you don’t have a place to do this in your house, then I suggest parallel bars at a park.
Next, I take out two ancient family journals, the two heaviest I can find. I place each one flat in the palms of my hands. I stretch out my arms straight and hold the books for about 20 minutes. I know we’re supposed to read the family journals, but this is just so much more interesting and useful. Plus I can watch my favorite makeover shows while I do it.
Lastly, I do yoga. You have to keep your core strong, if you want to keep the rest of you strong. Normal, ordinary yoga while swinging machetes.
I hope that helps you get ready for that first hunt. I just want to add that you should probably wear wellies for your first kill. The first vampire I destroyed was super messy. I got blood all over a brand-new pair of suede boots. Good luck!
Your cousin, Miranda
“Let me show you fate through the round of this ring—”
A poetic way to start a tale. Now, read it again, but this time, imagine a deep, warm voice with a slight gravely edge speaking to you.
Those words, written by Anthony Minghella, captured the short attention span of a five year old me. This was not simply because they were well-written words or the fact that they were a part of Jim Henson’s short run series “The Storyteller”. It was because the voice which spoke them mesmerized me. When John Hurt told a story, you listened.
In the wake of his passing, I re-watched this television series with a fresh sense of respect. The voice which sanctioned a hunt for the Black Cauldron, declared his humanity to a judgmental Victorian world, screamed in agony at the parasite within him (twice), raised Hellboy, helped a wand choose a wizard, and dared to tell the Time Lords “No more”, that was one of the first voices which made me want to write.
It’s a strange connection, yes, but it’s how it happened. Hurt brought Minghella’s versions old fairy tales to life by simply speaking in the way he always did. He filled each word with humor, tragedy, and adventure. It made me want to be able to put together words worthy of such a reading. And I will miss that voice.
My month is coming to a close. For those of you who have survived my month, but are not entirely sure who you should be thanking, let me clue you in. I am Juno (or Hera to the Greeks), as in queen of the gods, the protector of marriage and childbirth. Now that we have the fifth grade mythology lesson out of the way, allow me to inform you of ways you can pay homage to me if you survived MY month. That’s right! January belongs to me, not that two-faced Janus. Just remember, if you do not do as I ask, there is still time for me to make what’s left of this month awful for you.
If did make it to February unscathed, here are some things you can do to thank me:
1) Trap Jupiter a.k.a. Zeus in a horrible prison for several centuries
2) Post humiliating pictures of Jupiter on your ever useful in-ter-net.
3) Troll Jupiter’s latest floozy. The internet has so many uses!
4) Bully Jupiter’s latest demi-god offspring. I can give you exact addresses as needed, but trust me it won’t be hard. Most of them are on twitter ALL THE TIME.
5) Give to me— Hey!
Hey there folks – Janus here. Pay no attention to the crazy Roman lady. I’m taking back this month, even if you don’t know who I am. I am not going to demand tribute or insist upon punishment. Here is all I am going to say: Remember that I am the god of beginnings, transitions, and endings. If the start of 2017 was amazing for you, then use that. Make February just as good. If January was less-than-grand, then guess what! You get to start over. If you don’t believe me, just wait and see.
Now, excuse me while I witch-slap a Roman deity.
Cat’s typing: Kafienaknu knaioeomklvnu ksndfuvbueianfoijhiylhg’io;ujfki pow344fklh0-ofdik
Writer’s swearing: Get the hell off of there! No, you cannot lay there! Why are you purring at me? Don’t think you can purr your way out of this. Oh. You rubbed your chin on my hand. And you did that cute silent meow thing. Damn it. Fine. Lay wherever you want.
Cat's thinking: Sucker.
Damn it, Max. Ever since you posted that the living should pay attention to ghosts, people keep looking for my cold spots and walking right through me. You know how weird that feels! My space has been violated!
Just for this, I’m going to haunt you. That’s right! Prepare for my wraith. As soon as I can figure out how to get to wherever you are, there will be a ghost war! Get ready, people. It’ll be like Poltergeist meets The Conjuring meets. . . Death Becomes Her! Okay, I haven’t seen a lot of movies, but it’ll be creepy as hell!
I’ll begin with my credentials on this subject – I’m a ghost. Don’t believe me? Look out your window and — Boo!
Did you actually think I would be there? Did you think that ghosts can just appear wherever like in a cheesy horror movie? Oy.
And that brings me to the purpose of this blog. I am going to set the record straight about ghosts with 3 simple facts. Hopefully these facts will stop ghost hunters from disrespecting our rest and using us for ratings on bad T.V. shows.
1) Ghosts can’t fly or float around at will like a certain fictional character in a red cape. If we are floating around, it’s because we are focused too much on being dead and forgetting to put our feet on the ground. What could possibly cause us to focus on our deaths? Oh, I don’t know. Maybe a film crew and their idiot host wandering through our homes and cemeteries, calling us out! Yes, we can hear you. You are loud.
2) Ghosts can manipulate electrical equipment. We don’t have much to do throughout our long, sleepless days so we mess with your lights, your computers, and your coffee maker. Sooooo much fun watching people swear at their coffee makers. And you all blame this on wiring or gremlins. Give credit where credit is due! We work hard to make our afterlives more interesting.
3) Ghosts can forget. Our lives can slip away from us. Some people have no memories at all left, just emotions, including bitterness and aggression. So, stop asking us stupid questions we don’t know the answer to. If you asked three times, “How did you die?” and we don’t answer, chances are that we don’t know either. Keep asking an angry ghost the same question over and over, guess what. You might end up with a new poltergeist for a roommate.
And there is it. What to remember to be respectful to a ghost, from a ghost. Don’t let anyone tell you differently.
With 2016 still leaving a bad taste in so many mouths, it is important to inject humor into whatever future 2017 has in store for us. That’s right – it’s time for a blog. Kira Shay and I will be posting separate blogs a couple of times week.
The format of these short writings will change depending on our whims. While some posts shall be commentary of the processes of researching, writing, and publishing which so many writers go through, a majority of these will be from the point-of-view of our characters. Our goal is to entertain and distract from whatever 2017 hits you with. Prepare to learn. Prepare to laugh. Prepare to join us as we beat the proverbial crap out of 2016 stress with some amazing 2017 commentary.
