Writers Helping Writers: Cultivating Your Book Idea

There are you are, minding your own business, walking down the street when BAM! It comes out of nowhere. The best idea for a novel EVER! You have to get it written down somehow, there’s no way this idea would be bad! The world NEEDS this story!

We’ve all been there. We’ve all had that genius story idea that would be perfect. But how do you get from incredible lightning strike from your muse to published work? Well, this blog series is aimed at the tough in-between times of idea and publication. We will start where every novel starts and that is the idea.

Ideas, especially story ideas, as a general rule are not fully formed. Often times they come only in bits and parts and it is up to us to string those bits together to generate a decent full-blown novel idea. When you have that spark of an idea, write it down and don’t just stop there. Ask questions of it. What if scenarios. Who are the players? Keep a record of what you discover.

Sometimes not all the answers are apparent, either. This is where novel ideas require some patience. It takes time for an idea to evolve. It takes careful cultivation in an information dense pocket of your mind. The way to create such fertile ground that is to learn new things constantly. Always expand your horizon. You never know if what you are reading about is really an aspect of your story in disguise.

Keep adding to your idea over time. Don’t let it just sit in the corner, keep playing with it in your thoughts. It’ll tell you when it is done growing. Talk about it with people you trust. Sometimes someone else can give you a new perspective or ask the right question that will spark a growth spurt of this idea.

Don’t fret too much if your idea isn’t wholly original. With 7 billion people in the world, it’s almost a guarantee that there are no ideas that have not stemmed from somewhere. That doesn’t mean stealing someone else’s work and calling it your own though. It means to start with a common theme and then look for ways to make your version unique.

Save all of the things that don’t quite fit too. I keep a file of “story bits” on hand for all of the ideas and tangents that I manage to capture as I am daydreaming and thinking.  When I am working on a new idea, I will go through that file to see if anything fits. You never know what you will need for the next idea you have.

Happy Writing!

Kira

New Year, New Blogs: A Peek Into What’s In Store For 2018

We are over a week into this New Year. So far so good, right? Well, following my own advice, I’ve decided to change up the way I do blogs this year. All of them are geared towards helping people (really, it won’t be all bad advice).

Don’t worry, Azra will still be dispensing all of his horrible advice, but it will be in a new way. Instead of focusing just on parenting, He’s decided to take on general questions about life, love, pop culture, history, even cooking. Yes, Azra has talked me into a new blog series for him called “Ask Azra” and it will be about as cheesy and terrible as his parenting blog (don’t tell him I said that).

In addition to Azra potentially ruining people’s lives, I am also introducing two new blog series: Writers Helping Writers and Indie Book Review.

Writers Helping Writers is a topic by topic overview of how to go from first draft to published novel and everything in between. This stems from my own personal experiences in the hopes that it will help aspiring authors on their own journey.

Indie Book Review is just that. I will read and review one Indie produced book a month. These books I will have gotten from my travels (I have met these authors either at conventions or book festivals) or by your suggestion. I’ve got a few good ones lined up already that I can’t wait to get into.

There is one more thing... I need your help to do all of this. That’s right, you are an integral part of my 2018 blog experiment! Here’s what I need you to do:

If you have questions for either the Ask Azra or Writers Helping Writers segments, let me know. Also, if you have an Indie produced book you want to spread the word about, give me the title and the author name and I will take the recommendation. It’s super easy to let us know your questions and recommendations. Simply drop us a line at fivesmilingfish@gmail.com. Or, you can comment on this or any posted blog. Additionally you can leave us a comment on Facebook. We really do read and appreciate any and all messages and shares.

Thank you for your help. Here’s hoping the rest of 2018 will go as well as this first week has!

Smiles,

Kira

It’s a New Year. Why Are We Making the Same Resolutions?

First, Happy New Year! I hope your hangover is slight and you did not drunk text anyone you shouldn’t have.

Now, you’ve probably already made your resolution and it’s probably along the lines of “I will lose weight/ get healthy” or “I will save more money” or “I won’t drink ever again”.

It’s the same list of self “improvements” as last year. It’s the same old promises we break year after year. By February, all that we’d promised ourselves will be out the window.

I’m usually in the same boat. Every year, I take a good, hard look at myself and point that magnifying glass right at my faults. I’m too heavy, I’m not organized enough, I’m broke, I am going nowhere in my life. I’m nowhere near as successful at life as others my age.

That’s why I think most New Year’s Resolutions fail. They are grounded in negativity and rooted in comparison with others. They are all focused on things that we are lacking or things that we are not up to par with. They are also incredibly selfish. All of those resolutions I listed off have more to do with you and your happiness as an individual than your community, your family, or your world.

So why not change this? Why not tackle the concept of New Year’s Resolution with something completely different? Instead of putting the focus on something you lack, or something you aren’t currently, or even based on yourself, why not do something that will improve the lives of those around you, like your family, or your community? New Year’s Resolution: stop being selfish and spread kindness everywhere you go.

Instead of blowing money on a gym membership that you will only use for the month of January, why not use that money to invest in your community? If you need to get out and do something instead of sit on the couch, volunteer your time with people less advantaged as you. Help your neighbors with their yardwork. Read to kids at your local library. Donate blood. Deliver handmade cards to Veteran’s Hospitals. Teach people about a favorite hobby. Learn something new from someone every day.

The world is full of so many people thinking only about themselves and what they want/need. Be different. Be someone who gives rather than takes. As Gandhi said, “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Try something new this New Year. Make the commitment to think about how you can better the world around you and do it.  And hey, if this kindness/ thinking of others thing doesn’t work out, there’s always next January.

Happy New Year!

Kira

Some Assembly Required— The Lie

When giving gifts to your offspring, it is best to watch out for these three words: Some Assembly Required.

This is the biggest scam in all of capitalism.

Toy manufacturers are notorious for conning you into doing the labor of assembling their creation for them. More often than not, you do it too! Why? Because you think it’s necessary for your offspring’s full enjoyment of said purchase.

Giving presents to children isn’t as easy as it once was. Modern youngsters are no longer enthralled by simple toys. No more sticks with hoops, corn husk dolls, or moderately sized rocks.  No, everything these pint sized terrors want comes in a million microscopic plastic pieces and has to be put together with the aid of advanced engineering degrees. 

This, my dear fellow parental figures, is where you are going about all of this all wrong. Don’t buy into the manufacturer’s blackmailing techniques! Don’t let them suck away inordinate amounts of your life without even minimum wage payment. Don’t spend your holidays, birthdays, funerals, and weekends putting together the equivalency of miniature life-sized 3-D plastic puzzles. Don’t let the toy companies bamboozle you with their instructions (they are not, in fact, instructions. Really they are ancient Egyptian gossip magazines about pop stars of the time.

You know your spawn will only spend 5 minutes with the newly assembled lump of plastic. It’s just not worth the time you put into it.

So, how do you find a way out of this particular time suck? Simple.

Let the kids assemble their own toys. After all, the laws of gift giving stipulate that responsibility for said gift is transferred as soon as they rip into that wrapping paper. If they want it, then they should be the ones to struggle to put it together.

Incorporating this driving principal in your gift giving will do a number of things.

1.       It’ll save you a lot of money. Your offspring will think twice before asking you for the triple story swing set if you tell them that they will have to build it on their own.

2.       Your offspring will develop a new and impressive set of skills including translating assembly instructions into plain language, the science of engineering ergonomic plastic kitchens, and familiarity with cheaply manufactured tools that would supposedly work to put all of the random bits in the boxes together.

3.       You will get a lot more time back to do things that you want to do. Like finally putting together that book case from Ikea.

4.       You may be able to successfully sue the toy companies for violations of child labor laws.

It’s time to get your spawn a decent set of tools and sit back and relax. I’ve solved the some assembly required problem. You are welcome.

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Myths of Childhood Part 2: Santa Claus

Lying is an integral part of being a good parent. All the best parents have that in common; they can successfully and consistently lie to their offspring. Most lies are to give a sense of hope; to soothe your offspring in stressful situations. Some lies just help you get through the day in one piece without strangling them.

We are going to discuss the more universal and socially expected lies or, as I like to call them, the myths of childhood.

There are several of these myths that we delve into overtime. Today, though, I want to discuss one particular lie we tell our young and that is the biggest myth of them all. Santa Claus.

Here’s the gist of it. Santa is an oversized elf/man/monster that, in a single evening, breaks into every house in the world and accepts sacrificed of baked goods in exchange for presents. Now, that’s an over simplification because there’s been many added nuances to this myth designed to make it even more popular over time. What started as an Eastern European tradition has blossomed into a global event that is highly anticipated throughout the year. This jolly bearded sneak thief’s progress is tracked by NORAD for the love of everything sacred. Yes. NORAD. The same people who are supposed to be guarding Americans against air attacks has a unit dedicated to the tracking of Santa Claus. This is how big this lie has grown.

Obviously there’s a lot to unpack here, so let’s take it one point at a time.

1.       Santa and his wife run a very productive toy sweatshop in the North Pole. Their “help” is really the indentured servitude of elves. Yeah, elves.

2.       He keeps track of who is “naughty” or “nice” all year long via a complicated network of spies, magic, and hidden cameras. Really, modern day security firms look to him for guidance. If you are naughty, you get coal. If you are nice, you get a fairly decent present. If you are neither naughty nor nice, but in the middle of the road, you get socks.

3.       Santa’s preferred mode of transportation is an outdated sleigh and eight flying reindeer. How he gets them to fly. . . well, it’s not really fit for the printed word.

4.       Santa has an eating disorder and is most likely diabetic considering the sheer amount of sugar he consumes on the one night a year we can account for his whereabouts.

5.       Santa has a really good marketing director. Seriously, the Coca Cola deal has gone on forever! Are we comfortable putting our children’s faiths in a lie with corporate sponsorship?

6.       Santa has become a modern day god of materialism. Fact: more people pray to Santa than any other traditional god/dess out there.

7.       Santa wears red to signify the blood of his enemies. This one I can’t prove, but considering his firm grip on the season (and beyond if we pay attention to the shopping mall stores. . .), I don’t think it’s all that far-fetched.

Sure, the idea of Santa is a good behavior modifying tool to use on your offspring, but what is the cost? A myth that has grown to such proportions tends to become a force to be reckoned with. It may be too late.

   Save Your Cookies.

     Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Godparents: Deciding to Whom You Should Bequeath Your Offspring

Humans tend to die. It’s one of the more unfortunate side effects of life. However, if both you and your co-parental figure manage to bite the big one before your spawn are considered fully grown by local law, then there’s the thorny issue of who will be responsible for them.

Most parents have their backups picked before their little monster even comes into the world, but for those of us who aren’t so pessimistic about our ability to survive parenthood, here are some points to consider when choosing the godparents of your mini terrors.

1.       Are the beings you chose to care for your animated DNA strands actually deities? I mean, god parents really should live up to the title, right? If you can’t have actual deities take care of your kids, then you’ll just have to settle for those of your own ilk.

2.       Do your little snot monsters know the candidates you are considering? Do they like them? Do the potential parental replacements get along with your kids? If so, cross them off the list. The best thing for your kids is to be uncomfortable with wherever they end up. Putting them in a strange place with strange people will motivate them to better themselves.  Plus, if they wind up with someone terrible, it will forever enshrine your memory. The only thing you have to do is make sure the adult knows what they are getting into.

3.       Make sure the replacement parents and/or family lives far away from where you and yours lived. Again, you want to go for the most change possible for after you pass. It will be for the best that I promise you.

Now, if you can’t find anyone that would be willing to take on your spawn, more or less sight unseen, there is one more option. You can leave your offspring to your local government. From there, they will be put into what they call a system where they will be shipped around to different strangers or even group homes until they come of age. As far as change, that would be the best option.

In the end, just do what’s right for you and your family. Give lots of thought to what would happen should you end up six feet under.

Plan Ahead,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Lessons from Nanowrimo 2017

I have survived Nanowrimo this year, more or less intact. This is an annual exercise for me and my friends. We use the motivation that Nano provides to get out the first drafts of many of our novels. We use it to finish up works that we need to just buckle down and write. It’s not just for November, either. There are year round resources and information you can access with Nano, not to mention their Camp Wrimo and meet ups. I highly encourage you to check it out if you are the writing type.

This year, my Nano project was my grandfather’s story; Fair to Middling; a very difficult topic since my grandfather passed two years ago around Thanksgiving. I’ve got videos and letters and a whole assortment of notes that I’ve been combing through. Not to mention the memories.

I want to say that everything for this Nanowrimo went perfectly. I want to say that I sat down, had butt in chair time and pounded out 1,667 words every day.

Life doesn’t happen like that.

Instead, there was an incessant buzz of adult responsibilities that distracted me from my writing. I was sick for a good week or so. We had conventions and book signings. A major recall happened on my car and there’s been a constant upheaval with our transportation. My day job has been keeping me later and later. Family has been pulling at my sleeve. The upcoming holidays and all the worry that comes along with it. The constant nagging that I still had to do things before I could write. Getting over that feeling is the hardest thing. After that, you have to convince yourself that the words you are diligently putting on the page do, in fact, make sense when strung together in a sentence. You have to ignore the little doubts crowding your head and trust that what you are writing is not complete and utter crap.

This year, I did make my word count, but only just. It was a hard-fought win. There’s still a little bit more to go in the story, but it shouldn’t take me that long before I can start editing.

All of this rambling is to make a certain point: Life will get in the way of your dreams. It will distract you, it will do its best to disillusion you, and it will try to legitimize the doubts that you aren’t good enough.

Your job is not to let it. Your job is to fight for your dreams and to achieve your goals.

It’s the only way you won’t live full of regret.

Keep fighting for what you want. Make a life on your terms, not everyone else’s.

Co-sleeping and Breastfeeding; Parenting Norms That Are Now Issues

It never ceases to amaze me how things that were the norm for parenting one hundred years ago are now the biggest controversies facing modern day parents. It’s like each generation has to build the whole parenting rules from scratch every few hundred years. They mercilessly pitch out any idea previously held and insist that the exact opposite is the way to go. Forget tried and true methods, the least logical and most counter-intuitive solutions to every day parenting problems are all the rage.

Consider two modern day issues that, in bygone years, were just common sense: Breast feeding and co-sleeping.

Breast feeding is hotly debated not only for the nutritional value, but for the sheer inconvenience of it. Mothers, who are infinitely busier with careers and other obligations than they were centuries ago, don’t have time to sit and feed their child every 2-4 hours. They don’t have time or the place to pump the breastmilk if they are away from their little scream machine, let alone convenient places to store it until they can get it back home. There’s also this weird hold over of prudishness that breasts should not be seen, especially if they are being utilized to perform the function that the creator intended. Poppycock, I say. Free the nips! Their function is to literally provide sustenance to human young. Why are humans so ashamed or offended by that?

Co-sleeping is the term now used by people to describe letting your children, often infants, sleep in the same bed as its parents instead of in a separate crib or bedroom. What people often times forget is that this is not a new phenomenon. From the dawn of time, humans have often slept in the same bed as their offspring. It was a way to promote closeness, and warmth. There’s nothing wrong with it now, except that some crackpot said it was better to separate the children from their parents early to promote independence. I am not entirely sure whose independence, but that is not the point of this blog post.

                The point I am trying to make is that boobs aren’t the problem. Ignorance and denial of the methods that have come before are the problem. If you want to be a better parent, stop and consider the methods your grandparents used, and their grandparents before them.

Knowledge is power. Earn yours.

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Dealing with Divorce— Making Your Offspring Prove Who They Love More

Sometimes relationships don’t work out. It’s just a fact. However, splitting up when the two of you have offspring together can be a very messy, emotional ordeal for everyone involved. In every break up, there are winners and losers. The most important thing to remember during a divorce is that you need to be the winner and your kids could very well be the deciding factor of that.

So how do you come out on top in what seems like a no-win situation? Never fear. Uncle Azra is here with some tips to help you make your offspring prove that they love you more than your soon to be ex-significant other.

1.       Plan early for this eventuality. Even when your relationship or marriage is going well, it is prudent to prepare for the eventual end of the line. Having an exit plan will ensure you are on top when things start to go south.

2.       Pick a favorite child. It’s true that all parents have favorites, don’t let them tell you otherwise. By choosing your favorite early on, this means you’ll have an ally and a spy in the other camp during the divorce proceedings. Your favorite can also be an influencing voice on its siblings. Choose wisely. If you only have one spawn, then you need to make sure you are the favorite parent early on. Bribe them, buy their love. It will be worth it.

3.       Do everything you can to undermine the credibility and/or sanity of your ex. If they are perceived as insane to the court or the children, it will be a direct benefit to you. Do everything you can to win the offspring over to your cause.

4.       Fight for custody of the kids. Let them know that you are willing to fight for them. Bring them to the courtroom if you can.

While these obviously aren’t all the ways you can persuade your spawn to legitimize your winning status in a divorce, they will help in the long run.

Winning is everything.

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Myths of Childhood Part 1: The Tooth Fairy

Lying is an integral part of being a good parent. All the best parents have that in common; they can successfully and consistently lie to their offspring. Most lies are to give a sense of hope; to soothe your offspring in stressful situations. Some lies just help you get through the day in one piece without strangling them.

We are going to discuss the more universal and socially expected lies or, as I like to call them, the myths of childhood.

There are several of these myths that we delve into overtime. Today, though, I want to discuss one particular lie we tell our young and that is the existence of the tooth fairy.

For the few who aren’t familiar with this phenomenon, let me explain. When a child loses a tooth (and they do this a few times in their life cycle- refer to my blog about teething earlier in this series) parents convince their children to put the detached tooth under their pillow so when they are sleeping called a tooth fairy comes and takes the tooth. In exchange, the tooth fairy leaves a few bucks under the pillow.

I can’t think of anything more terrifying to tell their kid.

This is the kind of lie that makes things like the human organ black market possible. Not only that, stop and consider what message this sort of thing gives young and impressionable minds. Kids are a lot smarter than they pretend to be. It’s not going to take them long to figure out that one child’s tooth is pretty indistinguishable from another. BOOM! Suddenly your offspring is borrowing your toolbox to “play” dentist with the neighbor kids.

Also, what about the natural progression of this? What I mean by that is children are, in fact, worth some serious cash. If a stupid fairy will pay a couple of bucks for a small tooth, how much would their leg be worth? Their spleen? Where does it end?

Pretty soon there will be a suspicious amount of red in your laundry and a distinct increase in kids with deformities in your neighborhood.  

And it’s all because of one innocent lie about some fairy with a tooth fetish.

For shame!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Where to Give Birth to Your Brood; Modern Day Options

Nowadays there’s a big emphasis on where to give birth; either at home or a hospital. It wasn’t all that long ago that all births were home births, so this debate confuses me a bit. There are merits to both and there’s a surprising third option that I’ll delve into later on. For now, though, the basics of home birth and hospital birth.

Home Birth: the natural choice. Since pretty much the dawn of human existence, women have been giving birth to their spawn in their own dwellings. The perks are that they are somewhere comfortable for what has, historically, been an intense, life or death process. Creature comforts at home are proven to make the pain a little more bearable. Plus humans do that nesting thing when they are expecting. It has to be for a reason. The biggest up side to home birth is that you can do it however you want. Meaning, if you want to have your entire family witness this miraculous moment of blood and gore, you can do that! If you want to make a party of the whole thing, you can do that too! Want to give birth to your spawn in water? Sure, why else did you get a pool? Want to listen to the sounds of the Serengeti at sunset as you push another human out of you? Load up your ipod and turn up your sound bar. Really, the home option is the best one for full customization of the birthing experience.

Hospital Birth: the modern option. Hospitals are currently thought to be the best place to have a baby. After all, they have doctors, nurses, and, most importantly, super powerful drugs that can get you through the whole delivery thing without feeling a thing. It’s also handy to be in a central medical facility in the event something goes wrong with the delivery; they will have the resources to help. There is one major down side to hospitals, though. That is the price of them. It can cost thousands of dollars to give birth to your offspring in one of these facilities.

Last but not least, one of the more underutilized and highly unique options as far as giving birth: Disneyland. Or, if not the great mouse utopia, why not another theme park? Or national monument? Really, you can choose your favorite spot on earth to bring forth new life. And why not? Why should you be confined to either your home or a medical facility? Giving birth is one of the most natural things in the world. It should be celebrated! It should be known and witnessed by the whole of humanity. And preferably on the best roller coaster around.

Remember to Breathe,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Halloween Musings of a Word Slinger

The summer heat is finally dying. There’s a crispness to the air that signals the changing of the seasons, the coming of the darkness after what seems like an eternity of brightness. In the distant evening I can hear the werewolves howl as they circle their prey.

To most, this time of year is about death, endings, and fear. It’s about costumes and candy and being scared.

For me, it’s the time of the year when I come alive. When I get energized. When I get myself organized and ready for the coming year. When life makes so much more sense. This time of year is renewal, and hope. This is my new year.

Happy Halloween, my friends. May the treats be plenty and the tricks always teach you something.

Trick or Treat

Kira

Having the “Talk”— A Strategy for the Most Awkward Conversation You’ll Ever Have

Parenthood is marked with many awkward moments. Most of which will be completely unique to you and your offspring. However, there is one unifying experience that happens to be the absolute most awkward conversation that you’ll ever have with your spawn. It’s explaining to your kid exactly how they came to be. No, I’m not talking about the absurd stories with storks, cabbages, or rainy night doorstep deliveries. I mean the nitty gritty purely carnal story.

Usually this sordid conversation happens around the time when puberty hits your spawn. All of the changes that happen in the pubescent years really make the ‘talk’ relevant. After all, things are morphing those small humans into bigger humans and with all the hormones happening. . . well you get the idea.

So how do you even have this strange conversation? Never fear. Uncle Azra is here with tips on how to make this inevitable uncomfortable conversation easier on you. Your kid, however, is on their own.

1.       Timing is everything. In order to ensure your spawn’s full, undivided attention, it is best to catch them by surprise. Sideline them when they are on their way out the door, break into their room when they are sleeping and wake them up with an air horn. If they are not prepared for the talk, they can’t find a way out of it.

2.       Never underestimate the use of visual aides. These can be anything from pre-printed diagrams, educational videos, paid actors, puppets, really your imagination is the limit. Studies have shown that visual representation makes the talk go smoother. It also gives you somewhere to look besides the horrified expression of your offspring.

3.       Highlight and exaggerate the consequences of fornication. What we don’t want is the kids to use this information and start acting on it. Oh no, that would just engender mass chaos. No. We must be sure they understand that their actions most definitely have consequences.  They kiss someone? Automatic Herpes. Get to third base? Risk of pregnancy. Heck, if they touch themselves, perpetuate the myth that they will go blind. It’s just going to make them more cautious.

4.       To really drive your point home, outline additional punishments and/ or activities. If they have a date, make them carry around a remote control baby doll. If you have the remote, make it cry, spit up, etc at the most intimate points of the date. Make them watch home birth videos to ensure they won’t want to procreate until they are a little older. Give their dates contraceptives upon meeting them. If you can, wink at them.

Above all, when having the talk, be as descriptive and detailed as possible. You’ll want to skim over some of the more salacious points, but don’t. Trust me. The more vivid you can make this, the more traumatizing it will be and, therefore, more effective.

Happy Educating!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Preparing Your Spawn for a Sibling

Many parental figures find it prudent to have more than one offspring. Biologically it makes a certain amount of sense. I mean, the more spawn you produce, the more likely it is that the human race will continue. Not to mention that it’s helpful to have a ‘do over’ in case you irreparably mess up the first ankle biter. If you have more than two, then your averages for producing a decent human being only increase.

However, there is a significant flip side to having multiple offspring. For the sake of brevity, I’ll summarize.

HAVE YOU LOST YOUR EVER LOVING MIND?! Has nothing you’ve been through with the first little terror you’ve unwittingly unleashed upon the world been enough for you to keep it in your pants? You truly want to relive every inadvertent golden shower, every tantrum, every moment of panic all over again?

I digress. Who am I to judge how you choose to punish yourself for whatever heinous skeleton is in your closet?

The real purpose of this particular blog is making sure your first mini human is prepared for the invasions of a more annoying and even more mini-er human.

Now, before you run off to tell your oldest that they weren’t enough for you to love only them, consider these factors for what is bound to be an intense conversation full of tears and blame.

1.       How old is your current offspring? Scientists have proven that the older the first child is, the more they will be personally insulted by another sibling entering the picture. Whereas the younger they are, another drool monster is less of an impact. My advice, any spawn younger than eight years of age, don’t worry about telling them of the new family edition until your little bundle of horror comes home from the hospital.

2.       Have you already had the ‘talk’ with your youngster? You know. The reproduction talk? The buzzing insect and feathered balls of beaks and talons discussion? If you haven’t, then you may need to prepare for a lot of awkward questions that will complicate the whole conversation. However, on the other side, this could be a very teachable moment as far as the “if you allow your hormones to go too far with the lip mashing, then you could wind up like your mother.” It depends on how much you want to drive the lesson home. To really emphasize that premature procreation is a bad thing, you can hand over the second offspring into the care of the oldest as a crash course in parenting.

3.       Do they have friends with siblings? Perhaps to ease the stress of communicating they will no longer be the only child in your universe, you could conscript another set of parents to have the talk for you. After all, they’ve already been through this tough time before and it does take a village...

4.       Has your offspring done something terrible lately? Are they in trouble? If so, you can use the coming of a sibling as a sort of punishment for them. If you make the whole thing their fault (again, it is helpful if you haven’t had the ‘talk’ for this route), it will take their anger and blame off of you and put it squarely on their own shoulders.  

While I don’t agree with your choice to have multiple spawn, I can understand how useful siblings can be in the rearing of your first grand experiment. Good luck with that. As a refresher, you may want to go back to the first blog in this series and up your stock in sanitizer.

Here we go again,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Controlling Your Child Part 3: Using Hollywood to Terrify Your Spawn

The key to being a success at parenting is knowing how to control your offspring. There are several effective methods of control and we will, over time, explore many of those throughout this blog series.

Today we are exploring the possibilities of controlling your offspring through fear. Not just any old fear. Genuinely manufactured Hollywood fear. While there is a lot to be said for being the reason your kid wets the bed, it is so much more intelligent to let Hollywood provide the scary monster. Why? It’s simple, if you are the terrifying factor, then you won’t get your offspring to do anything but stand there trembling in fright. However, if something else is the fear-provoking element, then you would wield the ability to use that element for your advantage.

Let’s use the recent remake of the classic IT as an example. The invention of Pennywise is absolutely genius! With just a bit of stage make up, a red balloon and a decent sewer system, you can set up a never ending scare-fest for your little pants wetter. The mere threat of a clown appearance will be enough to ensure your offspring is the picture of perfect kid behavior.

In order to make this process the most effective, you need to do a bit of research on the latest Hollywood monster craze. You also need to make sure you know your spawn’s deepest darkest fears. The obvious way to do that is to force them to watch every horror film ever created. Something is bound to scare them. The best way to make sure is to expose them to such carefully crafted tales is to make them watch while they are young.

As soon as you know what will induce their nightmares, then it is a simple process of subtly insinuating that object of fear into your child’s everyday life. Again with the IT example; leave random red balloons in your spawn’s bedroom. Stick a pair of battery operated yellow eyes into the air vents. Have a recorded clown voice evilly laughing play whenever your child is in the shower. When the kid cries about it, then all you have to do is tell them they are silly. Tell them they are imagining it, but also allude to the fact that if their behavior wasn’t so wretched, then their imagination wouldn’t be taking them down such a dark path. That’s right. Tell them they are crazy, but they are at the same time responsible for their hallucinations that aren’t really hallucinations. It’s a clever plan that will yield amazing results.

Scare their pants off!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Summer Camps- Despite the Bad Press, They Are a Good Idea

Bust out the duffel bags and Popsicle sticks. Summer camps are severely under-rated. These glorious temporary colonies of mostly children serve several important functions, not only for your offspring, but also for you— the parental figure’s— well-being. Summer camps were the height of fashion in the 1960’s and 1970’s. Honestly they should have been big deals for longer and earlier, but I digress.

What exactly are the benefits of Summer Camps? Well sit back and apply your mosquito repellent and I’ll tell you.

1.       You can ship off your spawn to be someone else’s problem for a couple of weeks in the summer. That means you can kick back and take a well-earned vacation from parenting.

2.       Depending on the type of camp, your offspring could come back a completely different person. Or at least knowing some important survival skills. Like that Disney Movie about fat summer camps? Yeah. You know the one. Those kids learned many valuable lessons. Don’t let yours miss out on those lessons. Look into camps that specialize in survival skills or Popsicle stick art. Either works.

3.       Your offspring will gain an appreciation for nature. There’s nothing like being farted on by a small black and white forest creature to give a deep, unrelenting appreciation for the finer things on God’s green earth.

4.       The farther, more remote the camp is the better. This will allow your offspring to learn how to be away from you, dealing on their own.  

5.       Use the haunted summer camps as the ultimate test before your kids go off into the world on their own. Don’t believe me? Watch any of the Jason movies. The ones with no common sense and poor reflexes are the first to die. If your spawn makes it through, then congratulations! They are eligible for leveling up.

Give yourself and your parenting partner a break next summer. Ship your kid off to someone else to deal with for a few weeks.

Grab the s’mores fixings!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Public School vs. Private School vs. Home School: The Best Way To Train Your Rug Rat

In most modern first world countries, there is a huge debate on schools. Specifically what kind of schools are the best to train your spawn in subjects that have very little to do with real life scenarios. I like to think of them as hypothetical training camps for non-effectual humans.  Really, schools do very little to actually prepare your offspring for real life. But, if you insist on following the rules of the government and making your kid be subjected to the regime approved curriculum, here are some things you need to know about your options.

Public School: This is the most common option utilized by the masses. Public schools are subject to government regulations and approvals. The teachers are paid (poorly) by state and federal taxes. This means they are government agents and should not, I repeat, should NOT be trusted. Anything they tell your child is most likely being recorded and is heavily scripted. (however, you pay taxes, so that would make the government YOUR employee, and, de facto, the teachers as well... Something to consider there). Children in public schools must go at the pace of the slowest learner. This means if your offspring is quick on the uptake, they will get bored rather quickly. Public school is also a place for every one of all walks of life to send their spawn. This means your goober will be exposed to varied influences ranging from “oh, that’s nice,” to “for the love of everything sacred, why would you do that?!” Your child would be able to pick up any range of habits based on their school mates. Public school is a role of the dice.

Private Schools: While not run by the government, they still have to adhere to the state standards for most subjects. They can choose not to teach certain things, but usually this is linked to some sort of religion. Just because they are not sanctioned by the currently ruling regime does not mean they are much better for your rugrat. Instead, you will have someone’s personally held beliefs presented as hard facts. Teachers are typically paid more to care in private schools, but not by much. They do offer a sort of predictable quality in their attendees, though. Usually those who get in are part of a pre-established group (e.g. Catholics). This, I have found, can have a limiting impact on your offspring, making them snooty or smug or any other s- word. Oh, and tuition into private schools is often a LOT more than public school. Ostensibly, it is to pay the teachers more to care, but there is no empirical evidence for that.

Home School: Ah, the DIY of schooling. If you are unsatisfied with the above two options, you can choose to teach your spawn yourself. This would mean hours of lesson planning, research, course guides, disguising chores as assignments, grading, and actually being around and interacting with your spawn on a daily and constant basis. The up side to this is that as long as certain government educational standards are being met, you can teach them whatever you see fit. You can create a mini economy in your home where your happy children are your indentured servants for pennies on the dollar. The down side is literally everything else. Instead of having alone time when the kids would have gone to either a public or private schooling facility, they will stay home. With you. Instead of going out and having fun with your friends, you will be stuck grading or lesson planning or whatever else needs to happen in your own little school. This much time with the parent is also not so good for the child. They can become antisocial, under-developed, and downright unable to cope with modern society. There’s a reason the home schooled kids are often made fun of.

Whatever you decide, remember that it’s your kid. You have a say in what they learn and when they learn it. Don’t be afraid to insist on certain standards, regardless of which option you choose for your offspring’s education.

Education Ho!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

How to Choose an Appropriate Name for Your Offspring

Names are important. Names are what you carry with you through your entire life. You can’t escape them.

In the exciting and terrifying first weeks of finding out that you are going to be parents, one of the biggest topics is what you will call your spawn. New parents will read name books, credits of movies, and, sometimes, just start stringing random words together to come up with some moniker that sounds decent.

Well, if you are stuck for a name for your new podling, here are some guiding questions to help you decide:  

1.       Do the letters look good in caligraphy?

2.       Are the letters mostly vowels, thereby allowing the sounds to roll off the tongue seamlessly?

3.       Is it a famous name?

4.       Do all the names come together in a glorious pun?

5.       Do the initials stand for some popular acronym such as SMH or WTF?

6.       Are there unnecessary letters?

7.       Are there more than six parts to the names?

8.       Will other kids mercilessly mock and make jokes about the name in the future?

If you’ve answered yes to any of the above, then congratulations! You have the name of your child. If you are still stuck with a few options, why choose? Mash those together into one name.

Happy Naming!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Dining Out with Your Offspring; A Manifesto for Appetizers

Generally, other humans don’t like being around other people’s screaming offspring. Never has this been more obvious than when parents take their spawn out to eat in public. Ever so subtly, young families are shuffled off to the corners, often with other families with young ones. Sometimes they are even shamed out of the buildings. I’ve seen it happen over and over again.

Parents, why do you let this happen? Just because you have small offspring that tend to scream at the slightest little thing and throw food at unsuspecting strangers doesn’t mean you should be shunned. Everyone needs to eat.

Consider this a battle cry, my fellow parental figures! Take back your local restaurants and eateries! No longer allow yourself to be driven away from nourishment because of the actions of your little poop machine. Here are some steps you can take to reclaim your place at the communal table.

1.       Don’t allow you and your spawn to be seated in the corner or the back. Insist on an up-front table or, to make a bigger point, the bar. You may have to ask for a specific seat, and be insistent. Those hostesses can be sneaky. Case out the joint first and determine where the most customers are seated.

2.       Don’t bend over backwards to make your offspring behave. I’ve seen parents bring snacks and toys and newfangled technology to the table all in vain effort to make their little terror behave. None of it works for long on account of their gnat-like attention span. My advice? Don’t even try. Let them rage, let them throw food. They are a good reminder of the lasting consequences of not using birth control.

3.       If anyone looks at you and your spawn sideways, remind them loudly that they too were once screaming poop machines that people tried to shun. Judge not, and all. I recommend bringing a megaphone so the whole restaurant can hear you. If you make an example out of one, it will cut down on the amount of people attempting to shame you.

United we shall dine!

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*

Never Lose Your Offspring; Microchip Your Little Monster

For as long as humans have been having children, they have been losing them. It’s quite sad really. The scenarios change depending on the situation. The kid runs away, the parents run away, or something equally tragic. You humans are the worst at keeping track of your offspring. They could be getting into trouble, or dead in a ditch somewhere, or eating something they shouldn’t. What if they are in mortal danger with some rabid snail about to devour their pinkie toe? You just don’t know.

The killer part of this whole thing is that the answer is so obvious, so blatantly clear! Microchip your monster!

You’ve probably already done this process to a family pet.

Let me stop right there to point out how messed up that is for a moment. You are more concerned with the whereabouts and safety of your animals than that of your own spawn. For shame.

For those not in the know, microchipping is the process where a small microchip is inserted into the neck of the victim. This microchip contains important contact information such as parental units phone numbers, address, known allergies, and, depending on how much space the microchip has, a detailed log of their diet and bodily rhythms. For an additional fee, you could even get GPS tracking along with the microchip so you can monitor your ankle biter from your new smart phone. Can’t even begin to tell you how useful this will be when your monster is a teenager.

Humans have made great strides in this technology. It’s time to use it and time to stop misplacing your spawn.

Be the wave of the future,

Azra

***Disclaimer***Azra has been around children for centuries. While not having any of his own, part of being an exiled angel means blending in on earth. As he traveled the earth, he picked up on a lot of parenting practices across the globe. This blog is meant to share his parenting wisdom with a new generation. And to win a bet.

*Note: any advice given is meant to be satirical and not to be taken literally. Please do not exercise it upon any living being, child or otherwise.*